The Legend of Josh Blanco: Vanquisher of Taxation

This is a tale... a tale of death... and taxes.

No idea where I found this. I found it funny, so I saved it.

Keep reading if you feel like reading a bedtime story of heroism and silliness.





CURRENT MUSIC:
Keiki Kobayashi - "Zero"
Ace Combat Zero: The Belkan War Original Soundtrack

Two words can effortlessly describe how amazing this track is. Those words: "DAT GUITAR"

Nerdiness aside, "Zero" is perhaps one of the greatest tracks from an Ace Combat game to date. When you combine orchestral elements and a Latin chorus with a Spanish-style guitar like Keiki Kobayashi did for this piece, you have one piece that screams a few things. *begins counting with his hand, starting with his thumb*

1. Flamenco dance number. (I wouldn't be surprised if someone used it as such already.)
2. Epic trailer music. (Funny; Namco thought the exact same thing.)
3. A duel that becomes much more intense and awesome.

*looks at his left hand* Yup. Those are the three. In-game, Namco takes the third scenario and turns the intensity of the situation up to eleven by adding "Zero" in it. (Oh, and sometime during the duel, you have to shoot down a V-2-esque rocket. Keep in mind that your opponent's firing multiple missiles and a high intensity chemical laser at you the whole time.)

Even though this just sounds like "last battle" music, there's also a fourth scenario I recently envisioned with this track as background music: a duel between (former) lovers. *sage nod* I'm serious. There's enough of a "tragic romance" sound to it if you look hard enough at the notes. If you're confused, just ask me and I can describe exactly how this works.

So when the time comes where you must have one fantastic showdown between you and someone else (or worse: someone close), try envisioning this piece.


Yoko Shimomura - "The Edge of Green"
Radiant Historia Original Soundtrack

While the soundtrack to Nintendo DS game Radiant Historia is a recent one (the game was released in late 2010), I'm going to go ahead and cite "The Edge of Green" as a classic example of great boss fight music. (I'd say "epic," but I'm afraid that word's been sadly overused.) Fast and tense, this piece dials up the adrenaline as it pretty much tells you to fight for your life (in case you weren't already fighting for it). The violin here in particular is pretty astounding, taking the lead in parts of the piece and letting off a wail that seems to say: "Kick some ass before someone kicks yours!"

If you're a fan of video game music, chances are that you've listened to a fair bit of music from the Kingdom Hearts series. Listen long enough and you'll catch bits of flair that seems so similar to Shimomura's work with the Square-Enix games. In a way, I find that a bit endearing - not only is she bringing us a sound reminiscent of her past work, but she incorporates that sound in a way that seems to fit the whole premise of the time-traveling, RPG-playing, story-twisting arc that is Radiant Historia.

And to think something of such amazing quality came from an itty-bitty DS game...

You mean it's that thing I'm holding in front of my laptop screen?

...see? Itty-bitty!





"Now we find out who's number one!"
- Larry "Pixy" Foulke
(Ace Combat Zero: The Belkan War)

Considering how this was how I felt about filing my taxes today, I'd say it's rather fitting.





Hello. I am Josh Blanco, and I slay taxes.

This is the Death Star me...

Now, as killer as that would be for a political campaign slogan, it wouldn't work. For one: it's cheesy. Secondly: cutting taxes will not solve our problems overnight. Third: I'm pretty sure every politician using "lower taxes" as a selling point tried using this sentence and found it to be cheesy as well.

...and this is the helpless planet of Alderaan pile of electronic paperwork I vanquished earlier this afternoon.

Anyway, I'm already done with my return. 2011's taxes attempted to ambush me, but I caught them and said that there was no way. Then, after a long and bloody struggle, I slayed them. Their entrails are now decorating my walls because I casually stuffed a grenade in its corpse. *evil laugh* But why did I do that, you ask? Well, let me recant a tale so awesome, it's probably fictional.

Yeah. My tax return experiences look like Pokémon battles.
Last year, I won the first match but totally got caught off-guard by the second one. Bastards.

So last night right before I left work, I was given my W-2 form. I told myself when I got it that I'd file my taxes today. And sure enough, guess what happened? I filed them! I'd say that it took me a grand total of 30 minutes to do all of it. Yay for having the necessary paperwork handy when I did.

Now, I'm sure some of you read the last parts of the previous paragraph and are attempting to call "bullshit" on it. I'm dead serious - that's how long it takes me nowadays. Granted, all I have to look at is a W-2 and the previous year's 1040, but it's just so painstakingly simple, it's hard for me to imagine how anyone dreads this stuff.

Pay close attention to the clock.

For starters, the 2011 taxes lunged at me and I quickly parried with some quick thinking. I went on H&R Block and did my filing there. They offer free federal filing but you have to pay for state form. Not like it matters to me - I get paid tomorrow and I view the state's return as a reimbursement. Since they tell you where to get the information from, it's just a matter of reading your forms and correctly typing out the data. NOT SO DREADFUL.

Pay close attention to the clock. Again.

It had seemed like an eternity had passed before I finished my tax returns. I looked at the time and saw that I had spent roughly half an hour on it. I blinked - that couldn't be right. Was I dead? Was I dreaming? Did I just hallucinate the whole ordeal? I didn't think so. So I looked for the foe that I was fighting earlier. I looked all around, but I couldn't see where the 2011 taxes ran off to.

$1,136 overall? Not bad, not bad.
I guess you could say that... *puts shades on* ...my taxes got audited.

My answer was given to me when I looked down. There lying before me was the corpse of my now-vanquished foe, twitching as its innards of "stolen" cash from my gross income oozed out of its lifeless body. Now, normally I'd be honorable and leave the body alone, or salute the corpse in respect of the valiant fight it gave me. No, not tonight. I was pissed.





...and that's why there's tax entrails all over my room. Totally worth it. The moral of today's story, kids? If you feel like you're such a noob with filing taxes, try H&R block.

(This isn't a plug for them, bee tee dub. I actually like how simple it all is and recommend their services to anyone who finds the whole process of filing taxes to be "arduous" and "taxing." Haha, punny, right?)

Until the 'morrow, everyone! I hope you enjoyed this "heroic" tale!