Penned by Pensiveness

Lately, I've been working on a paper. No, it's not for a class; and no, it's not someone else's work that I just so happen to be... "improving."

Conclusion: it's for me. I wanted to write it. Cue the numerous "...what!?"'s and "are you [expletive] serious?" responses.





CURRENT MUSIC:
Shinedown - "45"
Leave a Whisper

One of Shinedown's most well-known songs, and - in my opinion - one of the world's most emotionally-gripping. (If not the world's, then at least Shinedown's.)

Contrary to what the song sounds like, it's not a message of suicide contemplation. Rather than thinking that the singer's staring down the barrel of an actual .45 pistol... think: what if the world that's been pressuring you is the .45, metaphorically speaking?

If anything, this song is more about hope despite what the lyrics might say...



"Artistic growth is, more than anything else, a refining of the sense of truthfulness. The stupid believe that to be truthful is easy; only the artist - the great artist - knows how difficult it is."
- Willa Cather

Interesting quote, I think. As a writer, I've found it difficult to stay true to truth whenever I write (hell, I find it difficult staying true when I'm not writing).
No, it's not that I'm lying* or anything to anyone. I just... find it a bit difficult to be truthful in my work when it exposes oh-so much.

Tell you what: when my "paper" is published on my blog here, read it carefully and try to figure out how difficult it was for me to be so open like that. I'm not expecting much openness here, but that's kind of the point I'm getting across.

* = I resent the concept of it, but under times of stress or secrecy, it doesn't mean I won't resort to it.





So as one can guess, most of today's entry focuses on my artistic work. Oh, fun.



Wednesday night at work, a few events occurred that got me questioning a certain aspect of life.
No, nothing bad happened to me or anyone - despite the somber tone today's entry carries, it was actually a good night (despite the usual idiocy people present us* in the wonderful world of retail).
What happened was that a few somewhat-touchy conversations and a few ill-timed songs blaring from my iPod triggered a state of pensive thought that I wasn't ready to meditate on for the entire night.
Granted, I was able to suppress it well enough - between more work, a speedy drive down the highway (made even speedier due to heavy techno blaring from my speakers) and a late night dinner with a few friends, I made myself focus on the other things, promising myself that I'd get back to thinking it once I was at home.

Those who can read me well enough (or those who simply worked with me two days ago) will probably know what topic it is. *shakes head* I'm just a sucker for it, really. Aren't I? *laughs incredulously*
Should the knowledge of this topic become evident to you: I beseech you to stay your words.
(Translation: "If you end up finding out: please don't tell.")

I spent a good portion of last night writing things down and taking notes on my topic, but for some strange reason, it never seems to be enough to base a paper on. I mean, it technically is in terms of quantity, but... all the notes seem hollowed out and... somehow, fake.
I don't know how to explain it, and last night, I didn't, either. So I logged onto WoW, got Gefallen to 83 (smacking things around does help soothe frustration), and went back to working with a clear mind.
It didn't help much - the notes still didn't make any sense, and neither did my rough draft.
I probably have a good two pages composed on MS Word right now... and while at first glance it would look like a decent paper, all I see is garbled trash wasting two sheets of paper. (This isn't my perfectionist streak talking, mind you.)



Now, here's the tricky thing... in any normal artist's block**, this would be the time where one would seek some advice and/or inspiration from another (fellow artist) in order to continue on with their project.
However, when it comes to me and a personal project like this, I end up treating it like a top-secret project being stored inside Fort Knox - and only those with proper security clearance can get in***.

I know I need some help on this, but at the same time, I don't want to expose myself. The paper just clashes heavily with my stance on life, and well... things that clash tend to not work out well in the end.
Sometimes they do, but an undesirable aftershock occurs.

Who knows? I might just come up to some of you for some help. I might not. *shrugs* It's just how I am.



So what's the point of me talking about a paper I won't talk about and the fact that I've hit obstacles in the forms of my perfectionist streak and a butt-ugly artist's block?
Oh, I don't know - I just felt like sharing something for today. That, and the last two entries seemed lacking, no?



* = Let me get this straight so that both Target and the general public can be put at ease (somewhat): a person is smart (usually). People are stupid. That's my belief. Unfortunately for us retail workers, about 97.2% of the shopping crowd comprises of people. Occasionally I'll get to help a person who reciprocates my kindness and therefore will have a very pleasant shopping experience - and I'll vouch for them and them alone.

** = Every time I mention a writer's block (or any form of artist's block, really) I always picture my high school English teacher smacking me upside the head, looking me in the eyes and saying, "Whitey, repeat after me: there is no such thing as a writer's block." What makes this more hilarious is that whenever I did tell him I had a block back in high school, he did smack me upside the head, looked me in the eyes and said what he said. *laughs lightly* Oh, the good ol' days of high school.

*** = Now, there's a hierarchy chart I have on my laptop describing my personal security clearance levels and who's made it on the "top-secret" equivalent's list. It constantly gets modified with the times, but I can say this: get me emotionally distraught, and I might forget to apply the security check. Of course... if I find out it's only a ploy, prepare to get shut out of the top tier list. Forever.





I'm probably about 25% done with it right now, but I intend on finishing it all by the end of the month (read: Saturday, April 30) before I go in for work.

I'll be seeing you all later. Got some errands to run (thank you, pay day!) and some lunch to eat before I head to work. =)