Back in my days as a teenager, 83% of the things I said to people online were depressing and generally negative in nature. I'd whine about how life sucks - how I couldn't land a girlfriend; how no one understands the source of my angst and the plight of trying to figure out who I am; why I wasn't "cool" enough and why people thought I was a freak and a geek.
Now, I just look back and laugh at how stupid I was. I'm currently in a great relationship with a wonderful lady (Loves you, Wendy! <3); I've found what causes me to become angry and try to keep myself from thinking of those things; I've figured out that being "cool" enough really only matters to the people you hang out with; I've embraced my geek side with pride. It's great to know that I've matured into someone who clearly seems better than his 15-year-old self.
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| Some days, you just have to knock your troubles away with a shot of some good ol' fashioned liquor. ...or if you're broke like me: a shot of warm maple syrup. Either way, it doesn't end so well... |
Something happens - you hang out with an old friend from high school you did zany things with; you run into an old flame who happens to be single when you're not; déjà vu kicks in when you re-live a familiar horrifying encounter. Regardless of what happens, you become something that you thought you had defeated (or at the very least suppressed) a long time ago. That something rears its ugly head, spits out a fireball of chaos, and leaves you coughing in the smoke. When it clears... well, let's just say that not even the gods would know what could happen.
In my particular case, I tapped into an old rage that used to affect us all when we were kids.
You remember that blind fury you'd have when you were eight? You're at the toy store, looking at something (be it Legos, a Barbie doll, or whatever the hell it was you were into back then), and you think to yourself: "Hey, I've been good. Maybe mom or dad will buy this for me!" So you run up to them with the toy in hand and politely ask (well, beg - you were eight) if they could get it for you. For whatever reason, they say something on the lines of "no" - and without warning, that's when you begin to freak out.
You start yelling, throwing things around, getting angry at your parents and the world, and verbally throwing out whatever demeaning epithets your brain had access to. While this happens, your parental unit begins to question just why you suddenly began to act like a petulant brat when you were fine just moments before. During this time, your eight-year-old self starts to hate anyone and everyone responsible for you not getting your way - your parents, the strangers on the other side of the aisle who arch their eyebrows at your antics, and the store workers who thought they had to call the police for a potential AMBER Alert.
In short: you look like an ass.
This happened today, and to be honest, I can't believe I let myself get enraged like this. When you read deep into the story down below, it may look like I'm just blowing things out of proportion - but that's because I did that very thing earlier in my day.
I was chatting with a friend (who, for the sake of anonymity, shall be referred to as "Minister" for the rest of this entry) about a project they were currently working on. From what I analyzed, they needed some kind of help with their task (Minister told me they were falling behind) and from the tone of the conversation, it looked as if lethargy began to kick in ("I'd rather do nothing ever.").
Being the (hopefully) nice person I am, I decided to offer Minister some help. Minister declined with an "I don't ask for help with [the project]."
Looking back at that, I realize that there could be many reasons why Minister declined my help. Minister might be shy about their work - maybe they didn't want many eyes gazing on their project. Minister could've been finished with the brainstorming and just needed to apply the thought-work onto something more tangible. Heck, maybe Minister was being a tad stubborn with themselves and they just wanted to prove they could solo the whole thing. I don't know - I'm not a mind-reader.
However, my next choice of words wasn't one of understanding. I first responded with a confused "Okay...?" and then blew up in Minister's face. They were talking about another problem that was unrelated to their task at hand, and without warning, I launched an unprovoked verbal attack that was so dastardly, I might as well have called this a conversation which will live in infamy. My words were delivered harshly, and I basically cut off any hope of me assisting Minister at all:
Fine; I guess I won't help you out with [your project] seeing as how you don't want it. As much as I'd like to lend a hand, I used up my [one opportunity to help] like you said, so I guess I'll just talk to you once you finish with all that....well. Needless to say, Minister and I haven't spoken to each other since.
So here I am now, realizing just how stupid I was to lash out like that for no justifiable reason. It's left me feeling guilty - notably because Minister didn't really do anything wrong. With my day at work aiding my thoughts, I came to that realization... and now I need to do something about it.
If you're asking me why the frak I'm typing on here instead of talking with Minister right now, it's because I was channeling the last of my negative emotions into this entry. Mind you, I don't mean to say that I'm angry or anything - I just tend type better when I'm in some kind of negative funk. Also, when I gave it some thought, I thought this would be a decent way to practice my apology without actually apologizing yet (because I'm saving that for when I actually talk to Minister - which will be soon after this entry is posted).
Well, I'm off to apologize. Knowing how things usually go, this little incident will probably be something Minister and I will laugh at in the future. Let's hope so - laughter's much more infectious than anger, and I'd prefer to be "suffering" from a case of chuckles than a stroke-causing rage.
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