The Hate List

The Official Hate List of Josh D. "Whitey" Blanco
v2.0 (Last Update Code: 201112231443)

There are many, many things in this universe out there that most of us like. Conversely, there are a couple of things out there that just beg you to dislike them. In-between are various facets and random nouns that play jump rope with our emotions and our likes. Now, to say that I love just about everything in this world would be a flat-out lie. I don't love everything. On that note, it's also fair to say that the side of me I flaunt around that seems misanthropic and filled with all-encompassing hate is a farce, as well. Things exist out there that hold my attention in a positive light - as well as others that seem to jab my soul with rusty sporks.

TYPE TYPE TYPE TYPE TYPE TYPE TYPE TYPE TYPE

You know what I'm talking about, because whether you know it or not, you feel the same way. While you may love and hate things to an extent, there are a few things out there that will set you off somehow. Depending on what kind of person you are, you will have various methods of dealing with that love/hate in question. As I like writing and consider it to be one of my strong suits, I figure I would type things up and slap them on this blog to help convey my emotions towards said love/hate in question.

As such, each person capable of cognitive reasoning between love, hate, and everything in-between has a list of sorts consisting of things they absolutely adore (and for some people, a physical copy of said list actually exists). However, some people are just psychotic enough to formulate their own personal "hate list" - a document consisting of people, places or things that bring its owner great amounts of malicious hatred and rage whenever they encounter him/her/it. Sadly, a select few of those "just psychotic enough" people soon upgrade it to a life-threatening "(s)hit list" and intend to bring harm to everyone/everything on the document.

So before we continue, let me state this disclaimer:

The list below is a list of the things in the universe that irk me to no end and thus has earned my eternal hatred. It is just a list and nothing more. I have no intention of going on a vendetta rampage to correct and/or eliminate the contents of this list, nor do I possess any intention of going off to correct and/or eliminate anything in general.

Now that that's settled...

...you're asking what's on this list? Well, you'll just have to read on and find out, huh? Below is the short-hand list. Clicking on each entrant will take you to its own dedicated section where you can read more about why it has earned a spot on here.

Keep in mind that while this list is here to voice my subtle satirical opinions in the form of vehement verbal utterances, there are good amounts of truth mixed in with the humor. If you know me well enough, you'll come to realize that I indeed hate everything on this list (mostly) - but at least you'll see the psychosis reasoning behind it all...

The Official Hate List of Josh D. "Whitey" Blanco

1. Anyone Who Emotionally / Psychologically Fraks Me Over
2. The Name "Joshua" and All Pet Name Derivatives
3. Singles' Awareness Day
4. Christmas & New Year's
5. Justin Bieber
6. People Who Lack Grammar / Spelling Skills
7. The Twilight Franchise
8. The Star Wars Prequels
9. The French
10. The Cadillac Escalade
11. Hypocrites Who Can't Admit to Their Own Hypocrisy
12. Irresponsible Parents
13. Oxnard, California's Department of Motor Vehicles Facility
14. Anyone Who Says "iTouch" Instead of "iPod Touch"
15. Facebook Games & Applications
16. The "Long Hair = Woman" Mentality
17. Funeral Protesters
18. Diet / Zero-Calorie Soda
19. Cheap Video Game Abilities / Characters / Weapons
20. The Concept of "World Peace"
21. Cheese Pizza
22. Drivers With No Lights On When It's Nighttime and/or Raining
23. #399: Bidoof (Pokémon)
24. Cephalopods
25. Rain

1.) Anyone Who Emotionally / Psychologically Fraks Me Over
(If you're on this list, no one likes you.)

The worst people on earth don't deserve happiness. Or singing crickets.

There are people we have encountered who have done something so frakked... so jaded... so colossally asinine... that they've permanently marred your respect for them. One random day, their actions just cause you to spiral out of control, destroy your perception of trust, scar your psyche, plunge your financial status into a deep, deep red, or shatter your once-happy life. These people are the ones that we debate about forgiving, and more often than not, we don't. (The topic and opinion of forgiveness varies from person to person, so we'll just be operating on the standard "unforgivable" aspect.)

Now, there are a good number of people in the world who've emotionally and/or psychologically frakked people over. Sadly, some have physically frakked numerous people over. This section is not devoted to them - they're pretty much universally hated, so I won't even bother listing them. Rather, I'm talking about the people I'm in contact with or were once in contact with in my life. While it can be said that they haven't done anything as highly grotesque as those who are universally hated, when you scale it down to the personal level, the damage can be just as high.

If you don't understand why this is ranked at number one, then either you live in some dysfunctional Utopian society that's about to fall apart, or you're damned lucky to have a good life thus far. Getting hurt is one thing, but to get hurt to the point where it compromises you for quite some time? Yeowch.

There's actually a sub-list to this, but for reasons of personal security, I'm not posting it here. I'm sure in local channels it's available to the public, so if you're wanting to get your hands on this list, ask someone or ask me in person.

^ Back to the Hate List ^



2.) The Name "Joshua" and All Pet Name Derivatives
("Pilots call me 'Starbuck'; you may refer to me as 'God.'" - Kara "Starbuck" Thrace (Battlestar Galactica))

"However, you have called me by that name. Anyone who calls me by that name dies. That has been the policy."
- Touko Aozaki (Kara no Kyoukai)

While "Joshua" (henceforth referred to as "that name") is my legal name, I go by "Josh." It's smoother on the tongue and it doesn't make me sound like someone from before the 1900s. Hearing that name reminds me of the Bible as well - something I hate because my mother tried in vain to shove it down my throat when I was younger. Plus, I highly prefer "Josh" - anytime I'm called that name, I cringe and die a little inside. Also, I've been told that my happiness drops like a rock and I react aggressively almost immediately after that name registers in my brain. Furthermore, this extreme hatred extends itself to all forms of pet names derived from that name. While I'm not as hostile as compared to someone calling me by that name, it still irks me to no end.

As of 07 December 2011, if I recall correctly, I've only allowed four people to disregard this entry of the Hate List (i.e.: they're allowed to refer to me with that name or any of its pet name derivatives without fear of me raging on them), and I wholly intend on keeping that list small.

If Doctor Cox's list of people allowed in his office could be used as a metaphor, then:
Always Allowed = the four people
Sometimes Allowed = everyone else (although they're actually never allowed)
Never Ever, Ever, Ever, Ever, Ever Allowed = people who've frakked me over... and the French

Applicants are always welcome. =P

^ Back to the Hate List ^



3.) Singles' Awareness Day
(Yeah. Don't call it the "V" word.)

"Rejected."

Most other people refer to February 14 as "Valentine's Day," but not me. I call it "Singles' Awareness Day." While this may stem from past issues involving not-so-happy Singles' Awareness Days, I also cite the lament of others in somewhat similar scenarios - those who are single and don't deserve to be, those recently dumped, those recently widowed, and those whose significant other happens to be far away on that day.

Yeah, I know - I'm supposed to be all optimistic, hopeful, and misty-eyed, but I can't help thinking about how much I dislike this holiday. At one point in most people's lives, they've hated Singles' Awareness Day in some fashion. They just don't admit it publicly like I do.

Singles' Awareness Day in the 21st century has been capitalized and corrupted by the greeting card, jewelry, confectionery and lingerie companies as the day to celebrate love. (It isn't.) Yet, the day bends the sheep of the world into thinking that shoving pretty-in-pink/red/(insert-in-between-colors-here) crap into the hands of their significant others signifies love. (Or worse: the whole "Giving Valentine's-Themed Crap = Sex on February 14" "formula.")

As can be noted here, I'm not a fan. Of course, this entry may drop in rank (or may drop out altogether) should I get a significant other, but only time will tell. =/

^ Back to the Hate List ^



4.) Christmas & New Year's
(Just a mandatory day off and an excuse to have drunken escapades.)

Retail © Norm Feuti

My hatred for these two holidays stems similarly to Single's Awareness Day. All three holidays once held a good and wholesome meaning. Over the course of the last century, however, that meaning became convoluted and twisted into something else entirely. Of course, my hatred also comes from horrible past Christmas Days and New Year's, but officially, I cite more... petty reasons. Examples include:

• not getting adequate gifts while those around me got waaaay more than I did
• working on New Year's Eve and New Year's Day, draining my energy for New Year's parties
• not being able to celebrate with people I care for
• financially being restrained from getting people gifts
• the retail industry driving the proverbial nail in the coffin
• the plethora of mass text messages at 0000 on New Year's Day (some people have text limits, you know)

As such, my hatred for these holidays had to be lumped together. After all, that's two holidays you're supposed to be with family and friends and what not - all in the course of one short week. Yet here I am stuck at work or stuck with people who only hold surface appreciation for me. Maybe that's why I prefer working those days. Not just for any potential overpay or time-and-a-half - but so I can escape the twisted holiday fever.

^ Back to the Hate List ^



5.) Justin Bieber
(And by extension: other horrible singers.)

Rather than taint my awesome blog with something as putrid as Justin Bieber's picture, let's instead look at this scene from the finale of Avatar: The Last Airbender and turn it into a metaphor. The Fire Nation airship fleet represents me and every other levelheaded person in the universe. The forest about to get burned represents the Canadian singer and the plague of rabid fangirls that need to be cleansed from this world. The fire... represents fire.

Justin Bieber represents a great many things that are wrong with current pop music - and by extension: the music industry and all those affected by it.

First off: no child/teen should sing. (THERE ARE EXCEPTIONS.) Their voices are not fully developed, and more often than not, they've received little (if any) actual professional training. Singing at home in front of your family does not constitute as backboned "experience" and neither does years of belting out ballads in the shower - actual training by actual singers/choirs does. As a result of this, these so-called "singers" end up recording something of bad quality. I'm not talking about the Michael Jackson definition of "bad." I don't even mean a "raped and bleeding eardrums" bad. I'm talking about "singing" so bad that not even the ninth circle of Hell would play it. After about three seconds of (forced) listening, you'd prefer to have your eardrums raped and bleeding. (Twenty-plus cases in point.) When you hear this idiot sing, check your ears - supposedly his voice makes your eardrums' blood bleed.

Secondly: his "teen idol" status is mucking up the definition of a "good singer" and corrupting kids all over. In a day and age where each class graduating from high school seems to be getting shorter, stupider, and (in a growing and shockingly alarming rate:) sluttier by the year, the uneducated masses of youths present have lost all contact with what made someone great. When I grew up, people actually had to work on their voices and their performances to become successful in the music industry. Nowadays, apparently all you have to do is repeat a few simple words or phrases in a nauseating matter, add some "music," tweak the voice to perfection via Auto-Tune and bam - you're an awesome music star! (Supposedly.) Factor in the knowledge of their personal lives via stupid tabloid "journalism" and all of a sudden you have people who don't deserve their popularity trending over more important matters. And who better to like that crap than the inept youth who suck down crappy pop culture like an alcoholic at a liquor convention?

Now, if you read those two reasons and are still questioning why I placed this snot-nosed poser on here, then you either live under a giant rock (for once, I envy you for that), or you're one of his rabid and unintelligent fangirls* who should probably be systematically eliminated from humanity's gene pool. And no: we're not even going to let you off yourselves in a manner that might earn you a Darwin Award.

* = I say "fangirls" because no self-respecting guy likes the bastard. To any guy who for some reason does like him: please go up to the nearest tough guy, hand him your man card, and politely ask him to grab you by the throat and punch you in the ovaries you somehow grew. And no: you're not getting your man card back. EVER. We'll give it to the people who need it. Like the French.

^ Back to the Hate List ^



6.) People Who Lack Grammar / Spelling Skills
(Example: those bastards who forget to place an end parentheses in parenthetical comments.

For The Leet World's Player, working in sales beats working in e-mail support.

As an eventual English major, one of the things I'm a huge stickler for is proper spelling and grammar. Sure, it's one thing to make a few typos here and there, and it's another thing when the rules are broken for humorous purposes. However, when you consistently use bad grammar and incorrect spelling to the point where I have to take up bulimia so I can respond appropriately, you know something's up.

Now, I'm not saying I'm a saint when it comes to writing perfectly - I make my fair share of mistakes, but I at least make an effort to fix it or make it comprehensible (barring intentional errors, of course). When I see others write or type something that triggers my grammar/spelling Nazi programming, I just want to hurl my fungus-laden boots that've been fermenting in my storage unit at them.

Case in point: a decent amount of people on Facebook that I know. Since the rise of the Internet, the Earth's rotation has been powered by masters of the English language (any language really) rolling in their graves. If one were to take a look at the status updates of 90% of Facebook users alone, you'd realize how much those dead guys have been turning. In turn, these people from Facebook that I'm referring to force me to question if we as a country - nay; a species - are doomed. (My hypothesis: yes.)

tell me sumthing culd u liek to see thiis kind of typin moar. Ripping you're eyeballs from there sockets?/ b4 comitin suIcIDe?!?11! ololol

Or would you prefer something coherent that doesn't make your brain suddenly hemorrhage? *rolls eyes in sheer annoyance*

Yeah. I thought so.

^ Back to the Hate List ^



7.) The Twilight Franchise
(Where is Blade when you need him?)

This is how the books should end.

This should also be a no-brainer in regards to why this is on my Hate List, but before I continue, allow me to explain something. While the books aren't - in my opinion - as well-structured as, say, Macbeth, Lord of the Rings, or the Ikea catalog, the fact that Stephanie Meyer created a fictional world and got herself published is something I can totally respect and tolerate. This stems from two things:

1. the fact that I'm a writer, and
2. the fact that she likes Muse.

However, what I can't stand is the horrid aftermath that developed after her books hit the shelves. The Twilight series is now responsible for the unintelligent mass of fangirls (and scarily enough: fanboys) who go ga-ga for the characters in an unprofessional and (almost) rabid manner. who devolved from decent people into depraved vampire- or werewolf-lovers who paired up with a friend to become their group's "Bella and Edward." (Or "Jacob and Bella." *scoffs*)

The fact that people recently started spamming names such as Isabella, Jacob and Edward (or any variant thereof) when they decided to spawn a baby is also a shocking factor. (Quoting the webcomic Complex Actions: "Dear God. They're breeding.")

Despite that, I can't say that the fallout is all that bad. The movies are now amongst my personal "bad movies any budding filmographer should watch and learn from" list - y'know, like how NASA makes its new managers watch Michael Bay's Armageddon to catch as many inconsistencies as they can between Hollywood science and real-life science. Plus, the series (the movies, at least) makes for an excellent drinking game. Wanna know how "The Twilight Drinking Game" works?

1. Watch any Twilight movie.
2. Every time Bella makes that face (you know the one), take a drink.
3. Repeat Step 2 as many times as necessary until someone forefits via:
   
   • leaving the room in disgust of the film
   • passing out from drinking too much (or in some cases: boredom)
   • regurgitating their liquor
   • giving up after realizing that the only way this game is going to end is by a trip to the hospital to get their stomach pumped
   • citing a legitimate reason why they're forefitting (e.g.: studying for a test, getting laid, designated driver, etc.)
4. Repeat Step 3 until one person is left playing. Declare that person the winner.

Godspeed to all of you who attempt to play this game. I'm not responsible for any injuries and/or deaths that may result in your "daring" escapade.

That being said, I'd like to announce my support for Team Edward. And before you start making accusations, I don't mean Cullen.

Edward Elric
(Fullmetal Alchemist)

Edward James Olmos
(actor, teacher, Replicant hunter, Miami cop, Cylon-slaying Admiral)

As seen above, it's clear that "Elric > Cullen" and "EJO > Cullen." SO SAY WE ALL!

^ Back to the Hate List ^



8.) The Star Wars Prequels
(The Force is not strong with this one. And I'm not talking about myself.)

"Um, how do you know that? Hey, I asked you a question. How do you know he ran in there to hide? Did you read the script, too? Hey, what's that? What's that on the ground over there? Is that the script?"

At first glance, the Star Wars prequels (The Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith) look to be great movies. They were commercially successful and introduced the glory that is Star Wars to a new generation of people.

I'll admit - when I was young and stupid, my dad introduced me to the awesome that is Star Wars. After noticing that the Original Trilogy were episodes IV-VI, I realized that I wanted to see the story of Anakin Skywalker and his eventual downfall that transformed him into the James Earl Jones-voiced badass we all know as Darth Vader. I wanted Episode I, II, and III to come out badly, and when The Phantom Menace dropped out of hyperspace in 1999, my prayers were answered. When Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith landed in theaters in 2002 and 2005 respectively, I thought that the Star Wars franchise was complete and that I'd be content knowing that the story of Star Wars was finally complete.

Wow... how stupid was I to actually believe that? Hell, I think even Admiral Ackbar saw this one coming. He warned us, and we failed to listen...

Sometime after I matured, began taking classes I was actually interested in (read: things involving moviemaking), and had the desire to make my own machinima series, I decided one day to watch all the Star Wars movies in chronological order and just enjoy the cinematic experience that the series produced.

Well, that ended up being partly true. I did enjoy the movies... or at least half of them. If I recall correctly, here's what happened when I watched each movie:

• The Phantom Menace: I got up numerous times to get snacks and answer a phone call
• Attack of the Clones: I think I fell asleep - forced love stories just don't cut it these days
• Revenge of the Sith: only two things caught my attention:
  
  1. Commander Gree's Phase II armor (dark green stormtrooper-esque armor with a green vizor = AWESOME)
  2. the fact that the ridiculously-long fight scene between Anakin and Obi-Wan was long enough for me to make a double-decker sandwich
• A New Hope: I sat down with excitement and rewound it a few times during the Battle of Yavin (specifically when each attack run starts - that memorable POV shot of the fighters flying into the Death Star's trench really takes you there)
• The Empire Strikes Back: took notes on character development, noted the love story with Han and Leia, cheered at the introduction of three awesome people: Yoda, Lando Calrissian, and Boba frakking Fett)
• Return of the Jedi: marveled at how everything was brought to a close at the Battle of Endor

As you can see, the prequels didn't offer me much, yet the originals had me sitting down the entire time.

From what I saw that day, there were major inconsistencies and flaws seen throughout the storyline and the characters presented to us in I, II, and III. It seemed that the colorful and overly-used visuals attempted to cover up any fallacies in each film. Not only that, but the prequels even went against what was seen in IV, V, and VI. My theory was reinforced when my friends introduced me to the Star Wars prequel reviews on Red Letter Media. If you can stomach the dark, satirical humor and have a lengthy amount of time on your hands (each review clocks in at over an hour each), I suggest you watch them - especially if you're one of those unintelligent or pre-pubescent bastards who called Empire the most boring one of the six. The insane amount of fridge logic you'll discover on those vids will get you to reconsider your opinion of Empire for sure.

Now, here's a few reasons why the prequels are on my Hate List:

• the characters, while fun and cool, seemed to be one-dimensional and lacked character
• characters lacking character = lack of emotional attachment for the viewer
• midifrakkinchlorians (way to ruin the mysticism of the Force)
• the most ridiculous "love story" I've seen since this horrible sixth-grade rendition of Romeo & Juliet I had to watch once
• gross overusage of special effects* (I swear, maybe two scenes didn't have anything digitally rendered)
• lightsaber spammage
• horrible acting and dialogue that seems to be out of place for some characters (hypocritical, even - especially when it comes to Jedi teachings)

* = The extreme irony here is that Lucas himself once said the following: "Special effects are a tool - a means to tell a story. People have a tendency to confuse them as an end to themselves. A special effect without a story is a pretty boring thing." (taken from the 1983 TV documentary From Star Wars to Jedi: The Making of a Saga)

Thanks for ruining my childhood, George Lucas. Thanks a lot. *Adama glare*

^ Back to the Hate List ^



9.) The French
(J'en ai marre! And I don't mean the hit Alizée song, either.)

The Musée du Louvre's famed Pyramid was erected so that future French-haters wanting to bomb Paris could find it more easily.

I'll be honest - this is a joke, and if you didn't get that immediately, then either you're not used to my brand of insulting, (semi-)satirical humor, or you're someone with overtly-patriotic ties to France.

I totally respect the French in real life. I only tossed them in here because - let's face it - America (and the world in general) loves to make fun of France* as a whole. So I figured: "Why not throw the French in here anyway? I'm sure people will get it as a joke" - and so far, they have.

* = If you're in the southwestern part of the U.S. mainland, this is usually changed to Mexico. Consequently, this also changes to Canada if you hail from the northern parts of America, and New Jersey if you're from New York.

Of course, I realize that there has to be a few exceptions to my "blind hatred" of all things French, and as such, I've included a sub-list consisting of the few French people/things I don't "hate." (In actuality: I actually like these French people/things a lot.)

• Alizée Jacotey (pop singer)
• the National Gendarmerie Intervention Group (known colloquially as the GIGN, France's premier special operations counter-terrorism unit - whenever I joke about France's military history, I usually cite the GIGN as the only group of Frenchmen that won't surrender immediately)
• the World Chess Federation (better known as FIDE, the international governing body for chess)
• the FAMAS (5.56x45mm NATO) bullpup assault rifle (France's current service rifle as of 2011)
• French foods (the stuff is savory - from croissants to wines to crêpes...)
• my future wife (if she happens to be French)
• Daft Punk (I bet half of you didn't know they were French...)
• Captain Jean-Luc Picard (I'm not a Trekkie, but I give respect to Starfleet officers.)
• Louis Braille (if his last name isn't an indicator as to what he invented, you clearly need to learn more about the outside world)
• the International Federation of Association Football (better known as FIFA, the international governing body for association football)

I'm pretty sure that's it for that sub-list. I'll add more if I ever come across anything else.

^ Back to the Hate List ^



10.) The Cadillac Escalade
(A vehicle useful for idiots who like wasting gas and think they're oh-so-stylish.)

If anything, they make for excellent target practice targets.

Normally, I dislike sport utility vehicles like crazy, but the Escalade in particular has a long, upstanding reputation as "the jackass of SUVs" in my book, so it earns a high spot on my Hate List.

If you were to take the whole of my driving experience into account, you'd notice that of all the times I've driven aggressively, a good 73-84% of those... "incidents" (for lack of a better term) were caused by idiots driving a truck or SUV. Of that group, I'd say a good 67% of those SUVs were Cadillac Escalades. And of all the Escalade drivers, I recall a good portion of them (I'm going to guesstimate 82% here) were the following:

• WASPs
• skanky twenty-something whores (with those stupid pseudo-aviators, they pull the look off)
• idiotic minors whose daddies probably paid off the DMV so their "princesses" can drive legally
• soccer moms who really should re-take the driving test
• husbands of soccer moms with a goddamn dog in their hands (yes, I actually saw this once)
• idiots in general

Now, a theory as to why I (and perhaps you as well) think of these asshats-behind-a-gas-guzzler as stupid drivers: psychology. (The following paragraph was aided by me reading this New Yorker article from Gladwell.com.)

Car safety can be narrowed down to two simple things: active safety and passive safety. Active safety refers to drivers and how they handle their driving to stay safe, while passive safety refers to how safe the vehicle is itself. Most experts would probably agree that while passive car safety is nice, active car safety is much preferred.

Compare a typical compact vehicle with a typical SUV and ask yourself which one would be safer. While a fair portion of the populace would pick the SUV, what they don't realize is that the SUV can at best provide better passive safety. Instead, their logic goes something like, "Well, since it's bigger, heavier, taller, and more intimidating, it must be safer, period. I don't have to worry so much." And the moment they think that they don't have to worry is the moment their driving (and in turn, their active safety mannerism) starts to deteriorate.

Essentially, what that all boils down to is this: if you don't feel safe in the vehicle you're driving in, the vehicle actually becomes much safer - and if you feel safer in the vehicle you're driving in, the vehicle becomes unsafe. If you don't believe that statement, then go out for a drive one weekday afternoon and just people watch while you're cruising around. Observe all the drivers who pull off anything stupid and morbidly unsafe, and take note of their vehicles. Odds are, SUVs will place in the top three.

But in my book, the Escalade tops both the unsafe list AND the pompous jackass list... therefore making its way onto this page.

A note of forewarning: if I'm driving on the highway with no passengers and I see an Escalade, I will make the occupants' driving experience a living hell. And so help me if I actually know you and I catch you driving one... I WILL DISOWN YOU.

^ Back to the Hate List ^



11.) Hypocrites Who Cannot Admit to Their Own Hypocrisy
("There are only two things I can't stand in this world: people who are intolerant of other people's cultures... and the Dutch." - Nigel Powers (Austin Powers in Goldmember))

The following statement is true.
The previous statement is false.

Yeah, this can be somewhat considered a universal hatred, but at the same time, care must be taken when one cites this. Reason being that in almost all cases, the person citing this is usually a hypocrite themselves.

Now, I know I'm guilty of being a hypocrite, and I know I can employ double-standards. I do try to work on them for the sake of my friends, but it's not an easy thing to do (it never is). But when I pull off something that seems hypocritical, I'll eventually own up to it (willingly or begrudgingly). However, everyone is guilty of hypocrisy whether or not they'd like to admit it, and to the ignorant fools who aptly refuse to own up to their mistake: I hate you.

What's worse is that I know people who actually apply to this - and a good chunk of these people are ones that I hang out with on a regular basis. I can't say "I hate you" because that's just too mean, so they'll have to make do with a simple "You suck."

To close this entry, I'd like to leave you with an example that I personally observe on a near-weekly basis. Somewhere on my Hate List is the entry "Facebook Games and Applications" and my explanation for how much I dislike that worthless pile of programming code. The people who have unfortunately succumbed to whoring themselves off to that worthless pile of programming code have the audacity to call me "a person with no life" when they first hear about how I play World of Warcraft and incorrectly assume that the famed MMORPG consumes my whole life.

...yeah, and spending 16 hours farming experience in FarmVille constitutes as having a life and totally isn't a double standard? Please.

^ Back to the Hate List ^



12.) Irresponsible Parents
(Maybe this is the real reason why China has their one-child policy.)

(Author's Note: For this entry on the Hate List, all references to children will be replaced by the term "whelp." They will not be referred to with any other word unless they've either earned my respect or are directly related to someone else I respect.)

Lord God... I am so thankful I haven't encountered a parent this negligible. I'd probably explode, scream at them, and then verbally announce in a nonchalant manner that I'm looking for the number for child protective services.

I once thought that being an irresponsible parent was impossible - that the only reason I hated my parents was that I got grounded for something incredibly stupid.

Then I grew up and observed the world around me and found my idea to be quite naïve. With so many reasons to cite (ranging from immediate familial issues all the way to the things I observe almost daily), I think this would be a legitimate thing to place on my Hate List (though right now, I'm not sure if its current placement does it justice). While this is close enough to warrant an application to the unofficial list of universal hatreds, not many can agree with this - and that's because of one of the following:

• they're not someone dealing with a (pre)pubescent whelp on a(n) (almost-) daily basis
• they don't work in a consumer-laden workplace (such as food service or retail)
• they think they're the perfect parent, or
• they were bribed to disagree with me.

You'd be shocked as to how irresponsible and ignorant some of these people can actually be... and the funny part is that those we see as "irresponsible parents" usually aid in the Ugly American stereotype that forces the rest of the world to hate us.

Now, to those of us who are parents, uncles/aunts, retail/food service/child care workers, or a combination of the three, the presence of an irresponsible parent is an irritant to the seldom-found peace we rarely come across on a daily basis. In my case, my inner peace gets disrupted by irresponsible parents quite often at work. Whenever I come across one, an azure fire begins burning in the back of my head, and I have to fight the quelling urge to just yell at their face about what they've been doing wrong. In my perfect world, I'd be able to do so without any reprimands (such as someone complaining that their "princess" was "harshly scolded" for knocking over store merchandise and me getting pulled into an office by an executive who begrudgingly coaches me, despite knowing full well I was in the right*), and I could have them kicked out of the store if they attempt to counter back.

It's commonly said that "children are the future," but with the shrewdness and ill-mannered whelps I encounter without fail whenever I'm working, it frightens me to an unequivocal degree that can be translated to: "Our future is frakked." But since some people reading this may not even comprehend what makes someone an "irresponsible parent," I'll go ahead and explain some of the common points I've noticed amongst these people.

• leaving their whelps alone to the point of negligence
  Some people leave their whelps to roam the store while they go off do their own shopping. Firstly, parents: our Toys and Electronics departments are not daycare centers (this is another argument for another time), and secondly: you really expect your little whelps to obey the rule "behave yourselves" while you're gone? NO! They don't! Rules are meant to be broken (especially by those who disagree with them), and since you're not there to enforce your pathetic excuse for "orderly," they'll just run rampant doing whatever they please!
• lack of enforcement for basic things, such as decent manners
  Allowing your whelps to disrespectfully ask us for help with something and failing to correct their fallacy... letting them dump their trash wherever they please... not making them pick up after themselves when they make a mess... you really thing those kinds of things are okay? Well, it's not, you idiots. You want to know what I think? They got their ill-mannered and spoiled personalities from you. Children are highly impressionable - almost to the point of "monkey see, monkey do" - and by failing to act courteous and polite yourselves, they look up and see that if that's how you do things, they should be okay doing the same thing.
• being spineless despite being a vertebrate
  Ooh, this one is a big issue. One of the things I've noticed is that irresponsible parents can't seem to say a simple word: "no" (this word may vary depending on the primary language spoken). Apparently, this comes from some delusional belief that by saying "no," they'll offend their whelp and traumatize them in some ludicrous manner. Hey, idiots: it's called "setting boundaries!" Say "no" once in a while and you'll find the whelp to be more behaved than if you didn't! Of course, since irresponsible parents fail to do so, their whelps begin to run amok and out of control - and when they're finally brought under control, it's after that chance moment where I wish the parent in question just suffered a heart attack right there in front of me while I stand there and laugh. And to think all they had to do to avert the "crisis" was to say a simple word like "no..."

*deep breath* Gimme a second to calm down...

* = This actually happened at work. Some soccer mom was appalled because I calmly asked her whelp to pick up a bunch of Barbie dolls she purposefully knocked over - in front of both me and her mom. She went up to the front and complained to one of my bosses, who promptly had me pulled off the floor and questioned me in front of the "offended bitch" (as this incompetent soccer mom will be referred to for the rest of this entry). After the offended bitch and I explained our sides of the story, my boss apologized for the inconvenience I caused, and I was pulled into a nearby office and coached** a few minutes later. Greatest time-waster ever.

** = Oh, don't worry about me. I came out of that office perfectly okay and absolved of any "guilt" I incurred. See, my boss "coached" me - we just had to present a performance to the offended bitch that would leave her overinflated ego sated. I'd say that of the twenty minutes or so that I was getting "coached," about 20 seconds was spent by my boss' over-exaggerated "scolding" of what I did. The rest of the time was spent chatting about how much of a bitch the offended bitch was and how horrible her whelp-raising skills were. However, I did mean it when I said above that this was the "greatest time-waster ever" - mostly because I spent around twenty minutes shooting the breeze in an office with one of my bosses... while I was on the clock. Yay for free money! =D

If I ever act like an irresponsible parent, you have my permission to walk up to me and slap me in the face.

^ Back to the Hate List ^



13.) Oxnard, California's Department of Motor Vehicles Facility
(Not even the Devil himself would venture here. That says something, I think.)

"Oh, I'll give ya' 'fall apart.'"
- Harold "Coop" Cooplowski (Megas XLR episode S1E09: "DMV: Dept. of Megas Violations"

When I was revising the second draft of my personal Hate List, I noticed that I placed the Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) on it. While I do hate the organization and its myriad of offices, I came to realize that it's pretty much a universal hatred, because no matter where you live and no matter what it's called, there is a DMV office nearby that makes your stomach churn whenever you're forced to walk in the doors. By that logic, I figured the DMV wasn't worth putting on here (as a universal hatred, it would not stand out).

However, one DMV office in particular has earned a spot on the Hate List due to its highly negative reputation - both with myself and a good amount of my friends and co-workers: the Oxnard, California DMV.

Think of every single reason you can on why you hate going to the DMV in the first place. Now multiply all that by three and you now know what it's like to walk into Oxnard's office. I'm serious about this "hell on Earth," and if you don't believe me, take a look at what some people actually said:

"...quite frankly the worst DMV I've ever set foot in."
- M.P. (high school classmate)

"It blows."
- A.W. (co-worker)

"There's things I'd rather do than visit that God-forsaken hellhole. I'd rather be sent to Hell. I'd rather run my hand through a rusty cheese grater. I'd rather get three root canals done at once - without anesthesia."
- J.T. (friend)

"Data surveys have concluded that there is indeed a black hole manifesting itself on Earth, consisting only of pure, emotional hatred. While just recently discovered, for some strange reason we already have a name for it - one that has existed for years prior: Oxnard, California's DMV."
- Fictitious Scientist (Fictitious Magazine)

Yes, those were actual quotes from actual people. I'm not making this hatred up.

Adding to the facility's negative repertoire are my own personal reasons. Ever since I was trying to learn how to drive, this particular office (or its employees, at least) has apparently made it its personal mission to prevent me from driving... ever. Of the three times I had to take the driving test, two were taken at the Oxnard DMV office - and both times ended in failure.

The first time, I was taking a left turn at controlled intersection. The arrow went green and I began to accelerate, and all seemed well. However, mid-turn the instructor said I was going "too fast for a left turn" and told me I failed the test after we arrived back at the DMV. I vividly recall that - it's commonly advised for drivers to take a 90-degree turn (such as those in a typical four-way intersection) at around 20 miles per hour, and I was going around 23.

...really, Instructor? I was going "too fast for a left turn?" *aggravated sigh*

The second attempt fielded me an even more ludicrous reason as to why I failed. I once again found myself at a left turn lane in a controlled intersection, and right next to the light was one of those "yield when light is green" signs. Thing is, I saw a tractor-trailer and an SUV on the other side heading towards the intersection at the speed limit (I believe it was 40 or 40 mph.), and I couldn't place a guess as to how fast they were actually going. It's a common thing for amateur drivers to not have experience in guessing how much time they have to make the left turn before other vehicles close in (or for drivers to get unnerved in a live test scenario), and so I did the smart thing and played it safe and waited for the 18-wheeler and SUV to pass before I made my turn. However, my strategy turned out to be a bad play to run - my instructor failed me and wrote down "took too long to take a safe left turn" on the grading paper.

...what... ...the... ...FRAK...!?

As such, I decided to take my driving test elsewhere - and lo and behold: I PASSED.

Now, my friends and I have a running joke about us joining forces and successfully taking over the world - what territorial lines we would redraw and what we ourselves will personally do after our global conquest*. Now, when we take over the world, we unanimously agreed to dispose of any and all government DMV facilities and that we would have direct responsibility of the destruction of offices in our territories. While I'm going to have the general public do as they see fit with the facilities in my zones (save a few offices, but that's a story for another day), I am personally going to oversee and participate in Oxnard's. Those bastards have it coming...

* = In case you're wondering about my share, I have complete control of the Pacific seaboard (as in all countries, regions and/or territories with a Pacific coastline that have yet to be claimed by the group), the Philippines, and Diego Garcia - and in turn, half of the world's Pacific naval power. As more and more people hear about this joke and want in, I'll probably be nice and give some places up.

^ Back to the Hate List ^



14.) Anyone Who Says "iTouch" Instead of "iPod Touch"
(*cringe*)

Sadly, I've encountered people who don't understand the difference between iPhones and iPods...

As I mainly work in the Electronics department of my store, it's pretty safe to say that I'll sell at least one Apple product each day. Of course, sometimes I encounter a guest who just doesn't know what they're looking for (to my fellow retail workers specializing in electronics: does the "WiiStation360" sound familiar?), and when that happens I have to guide them. In most of those cases, they simply don't know (which may or may not be good for them to lump items together into one name), and once politely corrected, they take their new-found knowledge and apply it to their vocabulary and logic.

In some of those cases, they're simply adamant about their ridiculous product and believe that all we retail workers are saying are blatant lies. Case in point: this entry on my Hate List. Every time I hear someone ask me for an iTouch, I promptly correct them. However, sometimes they just don't listen. The conversation looks roughly like this:

Ignorant Guest: Hi; I need an iTouch.
Josh: [purposefully stares for a brief second] ...what were you looking for?
Ignorant Guest: ...uh, an iTouch. I know you guys have them.
Josh: [subtly condescending] Actually, we don't. If you're looking for an iPod Touch, they're over -
Ignorant Guest: Not those; an iTouch! Did I say "iPod!?"
Josh: [gives an "Are you stupid!?" look and facepalms]

Sadly, in one case this was an actual conversation. I'm not kidding.

These kinds of people make me fear for the future of mankind in a way that almost compares to that feeling I get whenever people invoke my grammar Nazi side. Saying "iTouch" makes the person who says it sound like a bloody child molester or some frakked-up frakker that needs to be disposed of.

I cringe a little with each utterance of the term. It's just... wrong. SO WRONG.

^ Back to the Hate List ^



15.) Facebook Games and Applications
(Seclusion on a social networking site? Doesn't that seem a bit hypocritical?)

Worse than spam. And I don't mean the food.

Most people my age usually have a Facebook, and it seems that just about half of them don't enjoy using the site for what it was meant to be used for (which, in case you didn't know, was social networking). Rather, they sit there and waste time playing or updating such ridiculous crap like Farmville, (insert random place here)-ville, Mobsters, Which (insert movie/TV show here) Character Are You?, Daily Horoscope, and Café World. It just floods our news feeds with so much useless information.

I'd like to take this time to go ahead and quote Agent Smith from The Matrix. This may seem like a non sequitur, but as you keep reading it, you'll realize how much it applies to what I think of the Facebook "gamers" out there.

"I'd like to share a revelation I've had during my time here. It came to me when I tried to classify your species. I realized that you're not actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with their surrounding environment, but you humans do not. You move to an area, and you multiply, and you multiply, until every natural resource is consumed. The only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? A virus. Human beings are a disease - a cancer of this planet. You are a plague, and we... are the cure."

If that isn't enough of a statement, then let me answer a question: do I like this crap - and by extension: the users of said crap? Quoting Agent Smith again:

Last I checked, Facebook was a social networking site - you know, those websites that get you to chat with friends, old and new? How you're supposed to catch up on old times, show off past events, and essentially share your lives with those you care about in a nice manner that lets 'em feel as if they didn't miss out? I don't recall it involving games and anything else of the like.

Fortunately for us competent folk, Facebook implemented a handy little button on the news feeds that allow me to block all incoming news feeds and invites from all that crap. Unfortunately, it won't filter out my friends and their real-life dumb conversations about their latest acquisition in whatever game they play or the latest personality test results that said they weren't a whore.

God save us.

^ Back to the Hate List ^



16.) The "Long Hair = Woman" Mentality
(What, guys aren't allowed to have beautiful hair?)

This was me when a friend from high school attempted to conduct an experiment on how I'd look with a ponytail. She did a pretty decent job, I'd say.

As I've had long hair for quite some time, I've gotten to enjoy it. Yeah, it gets in my way sometimes - especially if I'm driving or eating. Yeah, it becomes a bit difficult to manage and maintain at times. I don't care - I look better with it.

What bothers me about it though is the fact that people incorrectly assume that I (and about half of the other guys in my store with long hair) am a woman. They see the long hair (occasionally put in a ponytail - it's that long now) and start yelling, "Excuse me, ma'am!"

Ugh. The worst part is that about half the time they don't even correct themselves after I have to aggressively correct them.

Now it can easily be said that this is all my fault. It is, and I'll admit that. However, why are some people so tied down with the thought that a guy possessing long hair automatically means they're a woman?

^ Back to the Hate List ^



17.) Funeral Protesters
(Words cannot express how much I'd love to kill these bastards. That's why they invented torture devices.)

"The deepest circle of Hell is reserved for traitors and mutineers."
- Captain Jack Sparrow (Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl)

I remember an article I read a few years back about a group of Midwestern people actively protesting the Iraq War. What really got my attention was the methodology they employed to yell against it - a practice that has come to be known as "funeral protesting," where the opposition decides to wave their anti-war banners at a soldier's funeral. What's worse is that usually the soldier was recently K.I.A.

Lately, this act has spread to various anti-war groups across the U.S. mainland, and now I wouldn't be surprised if I heard of a funeral protest not 50 miles from where I live.

While they're proclaiming the First Amendment as their primary defense, I think they just disregard anything normally considered a faux pas and belt it out so the locals can hear. I mean, protest the war and voice your opinions all you want, but toting signs with abysmal slogans such as "Thank God for dead soldiers" at a funeral of a recently-killed U.S. soldier/sailor/aviator? The frak is wrong with you? Do you have no soul?

Hearkening back to the "group world conquest" running joke, I promised myself that I wouldn't hold any act of genocide in any of my governing areas for as long as I live. (Can't say the same for one of my friends - if you're a dumb blonde, I suggest you seek asylum in my territories.) However, I will make it so that funeral protesting is a crime punishable by death. And no, funeral protesters: we're not going to make your execution humane. Rather, we're going to torture and humiliate you to the point where recently-decapitated neo-Nazis, heavily irradiated Chernobyl victims and even recently-swirlied geeks that're still choking on a sweaty football player's jock strap look normal compared to your worthless hides.

^ Back to the Hate List ^



18.) Diet / Zero-Calorie Soda
(I CAN TASTE THE DIET!)

This picture says it all.

Get... that imitator crap... out of my face. I'm sorry, but I like my soda they way it was originally made - highly caffeinated and pumped full of sugar and syrup.

Part of me believes that they invented this diet/zero-calorie crap to help people diet. No; that's NOT how it works. You cut back on the actual product and replace it with something that's actually healthy! You don't substitute it with a doppelgänger item that replaces the "bad" flavor with something that's actually bad! You don't cut back your calories by drinking this unhealthy stuff! You cut back calories by actually cutting back calories!

Despite my vehement rage, I do have to say that cans of diet soda do have one nice decent use: grenade props in amateur movies. Shape feels like a fat concussion grenade or flashbang; weight feels about right for a handheld explosive device; explodes if thrown hard enough.

^ Back to the Hate List ^



19.) Cheap Video Game Abilities / Characters / Weapons
(Taking the "skill" out of "kill" since cheat codes existed.)

Video game cheapness: dishonoring fairness - now in a virtual manner!
(Photo made by "AK-Is-Harmless" and found on DeviantArt.)

Every gamer (and I mean every gamer) has a particular list of things from games they loathe for being cheap. Whether the AI spams a particular "frak your party up" spell or a stranger from Norway seems to keep capping your team with headshots, it doesn't matter - we're all united in our hatred. It's at the point where friends who share common gaming interests will actively campaign against whatever they consider cheap - or annoy each other if they happen to enjoy employing cheap things. So, here's that list of characters, weapons and abilities that I personally carry a vendetta for (in no particular order other than what popped into my head first) - what they are, what game they're from and why I hate them oh-so much...

• Benelli M4 Super 90 (shotgun, 12 gauge) - Counter-Strike (PC)
  Commonly known as the "noob-tube," the semi-auto shotgun (which seemed to fire at full-auto if you held the mouse button down) blasted its way into the hate cores of all PC FPS gamers everywhere. If you disagree with my reasoning behind this, perhaps you were one of those noob-tube-wielding bastards...
• Colt M16 (assault rifle, 5.56x45mm NATO) - Call of Duty: Modern Warfare
  When I had an XBox 360, I was a pretty big fan of the first Modern Warfare game. It was fun, and multiplayer was fast-paced and entertaining. What wasn't fun and entertaining was every single camping bastard who wielded an M16 (usually with an ACOG sight) - in the game, if one was able to get the entire burst to hit someone, they died. No questions asked.
  I don't like that - and whenever I get gunned down by some idiot wielding this, I go on a vendetta against them.
• Blink (Mage spell) - World of Warcraft (PC)
  Okay, I'm sorry to all you Mage players out there, but the ability to escape from anything that would normally stun you or root you to the ground... while still possessing the ability to use your PvP trinket that's reserved for getting yourself out of those situations? Come on. You can't possibly think of it as something other than cheap.
• Accuracy International AWM (sniper rifle, .338 Lapua Magnum) - Counter-Strike (PC)
  Mislabeled by gamers as the AWP, this killer sniper rifle became the bane of casual players on relatively large maps. Why? Well, one shot to the head or torso - regardless of body armor presence - and you were dead. As strong as my hatred is for this gun is, it's not as bad as some others (I happen to enjoy the occasional AWP map) - gamers who went through Counter-Strike 1.5 remember the horror that was the AWP's "one shot anywhere meant death." Always fun wondering how getting your pinky toe blown off made you die.
• Proximity Land Mines - GoldenEye 007 (N64)
  I'm a bit surprised how a weapon from one of the greatest FPS games of all time ended up here, but as I reviewed my reasons, it became more clear. Proximity mines have always been hated by those killed by them, but the fact that the explosions possessed both a decent blast radius and an elongated explosion time made them arduous to deal with. Of course, it could be worse - the user could've spammed them all over the map so that spawning meant instant death (all the more true if players were playing "License to Kill" mode). As much as I hate these things, they're hilarious when nobody remembers where the mines were planted...
• Pit (Kid Icarus) - Super Smash Bros. Brawl (WII)
  OH. MY. FRAKKING. GOD. I HATE YOU, PIT. I'm not even going to explain my reasons for Pit being on this sub-list because everyone who has played Brawl knows how unbelievably cheap this winged bastard is.
• Energy Sword - Halo 2 (XBox)
  Halo 2's game engine was rather tricky when it came to melee combat. Obviously, all melee blows delivered from behind meant an instant kill (as is usual amongst FPS games), but all other hits required multiple blows if it wasn't coming from behind. The energy sword was overpowered enough to the point where it took two slashes (or one well-placed lunge) instead. A decent amount of Halo players would probably disagree with this entry - mostly because I didn't cite Halo 3's Energy Sword as cheap. That's because a different weapon from that game made it onto this sub-list...
• Gravity Hammer - Halo 3 (360)
  AoE melee weapons are just asking to be here. Even if the damage doesn't kill you, the shockwave that knocks you back just might propel you off that cliff - and since you were hit with something before your shields started recharging, it counts as their kill. And you all thought the energy sword was cheap...
• Blue Shell (Spiny Shell) - any Mario Kart game it exists in
  The single item that has been scientifically proven to cause more than 75% of profane utterances (charts don't lie) ironically comes from a kid-friendly game series. And to a die-hard Mario Kart Wii player such as myself (I religiously practice this game at least once a week for an hour straight), it is the bane of my Grand Prix racing experience.
• Divine Shield (Paladin spell) - World of Warcraft (PC)
  Seems weird for someone who plays as a Paladin to have this here, but I'll be honest - I dislike this spell with a passion. To those who don't play WoW, Divine Shield works like this: you're immune to EVERYTHING for eight seconds (it used to be twelve), and you can do whatever you feel like with little to no consequence. Sure, certain abilities and spells exist that can instantly end a Divine Shield, but they're seldom used effectively except by talented players. I personally refuse to use the spell in PvP combat, opting to click on it only in dire raid emergencies or when I'm about to take massive fall damage.
• All-Terrain Scout Transport - Star Wars: Battlefront
  AT-STs made it on this list? Interesting of me to place a Star Wars vehicle in here, isn't it? Now, while the AT-ST wasn't too difficult to take down in the games it appeared in, its primary laser cannons were strong enough to dent any vehicle decently and defend itself in vehicular combat when necessary. However, its pure cheapness was exposed when said laser cannons were used in an anti-infantry role - as the cannons were meant for damaging armored vehicles, it was sure to kill any infantry unit it hit, but the blast was strong enough so that other soldiers standing several feet away from the impact point would also be one-shotted. They fixed this in Battlefront 2, but its infamy still lives on for old-school players still playing the first game.
• Gill - Street Fighter series
  Street Fighter III had this demi-god wannabe troll the best of us. Three reasons why:
  
  • Pyrokicheapness!
  • Cryokicheapness!
  • RESURRECTION!!!

Of course, I'm not going to be surprised if I add more to this list...

^ Back to the Hate List ^



20.) The Concept of "World Peace"
(This entry might actually rile people up for a change.)

"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."
- Anonymous

Whenever I see someone trying to promote things like "unity" and "peace across the world," I die a little inside. Sure, the concept's a great idea and could totally solve a lot of problems - but at the same time, it's a heavily flawed concept that could end badly.

The way I see it: no matter the government, no matter the persons, no matter the policies... there will always be someone opposed to the system at hand. And of those people, someone is just crazy enough to protest in a violent manner... and when they do, they start a chain reaction that usually snowballs into an armed conflict.

Now, that's not to say that I think the (famous) people trying to promote world peace are stupid and should be written off the face of the Earth (I just think they're too damn naïve to know any better). Some have this dream because they're deep in the middle of an armed conflict they didn't ask for. Some have friends and loved ones fighting in harm's way because some person with stars on their shoulders said we need to fight. Some lost friends and/or loved ones in a war. Some simply dislike fighting. All in all, they have the dream of peace in their heads for a legitimate reason. And while it's admirable to dream of this, it's also pathetic to do so because it's quite impossible to achieve such a foolhardy goal. (And no, this isn't my suppressed pessimism talking here.)

So go ahead and believe in the concept that the world can one day reach Utopia. Meanwhile, the rest of us happy chuckleheads will live on our daily lives the same way we've always been doing - by praying that we ourselves don't get thrust into a direct combat scenario (unwillingly).

^ Back to the Hate List ^



21.) Cheese Pizza
(...where the hell's the other toppings?)

"He started it! He ate my pizza on purpose! He knows I hate sausage and olives and onions and - "
- Kevin McCallister (Home Alone)

The reason I hate cheese pizza is that it's just so... plain. Much like the average person doesn't go for someone else who looks "plain" (which is another topic for another day), I prefer something with more than just cheese. It's as simple as that.

However, given a choice between cake cheese pizza or death... I'd choose the pizza. I'm not that fickle; cut me some slack.

^ Back to the Hate List ^



22.) Drivers With No Lights On When It's Nighttime and/or Raining
(No, that's not empty road behind you - that's a whelp driver.)

Count carefully. There's at least five vehicles in this picture.

If you skipped this entry because you couldn't see any description here, then consider this as a metaphorical loud honk followed by a sudden crash. Congratulations: you got reamed by some jerk who can't follow the simple rules of the road and make themselves visible.

^ Back to the Hate List ^



23.) Pokémon #399: Bidoof
(The horror! The adorable, buck-toothed horror!)

I would not want to be a Pokémon stuck in that box.

Considering how I'm pretty much a die-hard Pokémon fan, it would be quite difficult for me to hate something involving the famed game series. I once deemed it impossible.

Enter Sunday, April 22, 2007 - the launch of the fourth-generation Pokémon: Diamond and Pokémon: Pearl games.

Now, it has been a recurring theme for each game generation to have some sort of Normal-type Pokémon (usually rodent-esque in appearance) that plagued the starting areas. Said Pokémon were usually tough enough to annoy a beginning trainer at the get-go and then became pathetically weak as they grew - even when they evolved (unless, of course, one's team was completely undertrained...). First-generation games Red, Blue and Yellow had the well-known Rattata and Raticate; second-generation games Gold, Silver and Crystal had Sentret and Furret; third-generation Ruby, Sapphire and Emerald had Zigzagoon and Linoone; and now fifth-generation Black and White had Patrat and Watchog.

However, with the introduction of the fourth-generation (Diamond, Pearl and Platinum) came Pokémon #399 and #400, the beaver-like creature known in the English-speaking world as "Bidoof" and its evolution "Bibarel."

Challenge: click the link I provided for Bidoof and tell me you didn't even slightly freak out when you saw it. Bigger Challenge: do the same for Bibarel.

Such is my hatred for this Pokémon that I followed a very sinister idea from the webcomic "Planet Zebeth." I made a "FOREVER" box in my copy of Diamond, angrily shoved elusive legendaries that kept running from me in said box, and then proceeded to catch a whole mass of Bidoof that I immediately dumped into (you guessed it) "FOREVER."

No, I'm not kidding.

^ Back to the Hate List ^



24.) Cephalopods
(Please don't release the kraken.)

If Otto the Octopus is any indicator, then I think we'd better start watching our backs in the oceans...

Octopi, squid... it doesn't matter. Those oceanic bastards freak me the frak out.

For one, they're a delicacy that requires quite a bit of an acquired taste to down properly.

I've had the unfortunate experience of having to down octopus tentacles and squid several times in my childhood - and because of those times I refuse to get close to them now. Those suckered tentacles just have the weirdest taste and texture I've experienced - it was like running fish-flavored sandpaper all over my tongue and then forcing me to keep the paper in my mouth for hours.

And don't even get me started on the squid... try imagining gelatinous jelly that's been somewhat-hardened - enough so that you have to apply a little bit of force when chewing and rubbery like cooked spaghetti noodles that you can slurp down. Add a nauseating fish flavor (the kind that smells like it's rotten) and you got what I felt like every time I ate squid.

Secondly, the smell they give off when they've been cooked is repulsive.

Cooked cephalopods seem to be smell like a mixture of putrid gases and rotten food (even more so if they've been dried - the packaging seems to somehow amplify the scent)... and the worst part is that they smell like this before they begin to rot! Then some chucklehead decides, "Hey! Let's boil the thing in its own ink!" and for some reason it gives off an even more intoxicating scent (and not the alluring "hot date about to drop their panties/boxers and make sweet love to you" kind of intoxicating)...

My third point is simple: look at the lore touted off by sailors across history and look and how we reflect on it in modern society today. We don't hear legends of giant killer dolphins*, do we? No; we hear stories of aquatic tentacled cephalopods smashing coastlines and ships alike, and the stories and references we see are many, including:

• giant squid and their appearances in books such as Jules Verne's Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea, Ian Fleming's Dr. No (yes, 007 fought one) and Herman Melville's Moby-Dick
• the appearance of the mythical kraken in movies such as Clash of the Titans (both the original 1981 and the horrible 2010 remake) or Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
• cephalopodic influence for other monstrous denizens, such as H. P. Lovecraft's now-infamous Cthulhu
• Soviet experimentation with mind-controlled giant squid in the PC strategy game Command & Conquer: Red Alert 2 (those things tore naval fleets to shreds)
• the annoying appearance of Bloopers in almost every aquatic level in the Mario franchise and the boss fight against King Calamari in Super Mario RPG (SNES)
• the USA-banned Pokémon episode "Tentacool & Tentacruel," where the two titular Pokémon wreak havoc on a port town
• Laughing Octopus (Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots), the first video game boss character (and possibly the first female character) who has freaked me out and given me nightmares since my first encounter with Psycho Mantis in Metal Gear Solid

Fourthly: they're deadly and intelligent animals - often said to be the smartest of invertebrates.

I'm not kidding. They're social creatures, often shoaling with other squid and if isolated, will shoal with other fish. Such social activity can be seen when they are on the hunt, as some (notably the Humboldt squid) use extensive communication and cooperation to track down and consume schools of fish. They have also been known to be dexterous enough to use objects as tools or even manipulate man-made devices (such as crab traps or sealed jars) to their own whims. Reports that some cephalopods have even flown above water (using stored water for jet propulsion) and an octopus short-circuiting lights have even been heard. More recently, fans of association football** will probably remember the story of Paul the Octopus and his successful predictions of both Germany's fate and the final match in the 2010 FIFA World Cup.

Now, if those four reasons aren't enough for you to cite hatred for these things, then I don't know what will.

* = Yeah, I know - dolphins aren't so nice and innocent. They're evil as well, but not as evil as cephalopods.

** = Inept Americans should read "association football" as "soccer."

^ Back to the Hate List ^



25.) Rain
(Not to be confused with Rain Man.)

"It's raining blood... is he crying?"
- The Boss (Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater)

Rain has been commonly associated with various things - the majority of which I found to be negative.

Rain has been responsible for the last two major sicknesses I've had, originating from moments where I was caught wide open in a downpour. In this case, "major sicknesses" will refer to anything that has forced me to be 80%+ bedridden. Both cases were a wild cold strain (possibly even influenza) that wouldn't have happened if it wasn't raining.

Rain is such an anomaly where I live (read: California) that a running joke involves the rain itself: "You know you're in California when a light drizzle dots the area and news stations are blaring 'Storm Watch' reports."

Rain makes the roads slippery. While that itself isn't a threat, the stupidity of drivers driving on said slippery roads astounds me - people drive with their lights off (reducing visibility), have this sudden urge to tailgate anyone they come across (minus tractor-trailers) and suddenly believe they're immune to all instances of hydroplaning (especially when they try to accelerate out of a stop sign).

Rain also seems to lower the overall intelligence and morality of people who go out shopping. Retail workers can agree with me here. Store parking lots become a conglomerated mess where everyone has to have the closest parking spot possible (even more so if the store in question's in California). People walk inside expecting dry carts and bitch if there's even one raindrop on their cart's handles, let their soaked umbrellas and shoes make a slippery/spongy mess on our floors, and increase their chances of loitering around in an attempt to find shelter (again, odds increase if the store's in California).

Rain electrocutes stuff. Now, I know better than to keep fragile, non-waterproof electronic equipment standing in the open rain, but unfortunately some people just don't. Once, I had to handle a guest who complained about how their iPod no longer worked after they got caught in the rain...

Rain turns normally-sandy areas into a quicksand-laden quagmire. This normally wouldn't matter for someone like me, but for my friends who use the local dried-up river bottom as a shortcut through parts of town or as an airsoft arena, it does.

Rain drags my mood down. I look outside and see sunlight: it's going to be a great day (unless some bastard ruins it for me). I look outside and see rain: I die a little inside.

Rain sucks.

^ Back to the Hate List ^





This list can and will be updated from time to time... so keep an eye if you somewhat enjoyed this humorous list. =P