Blurred Together

There's some days where the minutes and hours feel like they're blurring together. Today's one of those days. You get bad news and all of a sudden, it's a week later. Call it "going on autopilot" or "not knowing what day it is" - all of a sudden you're hit with whatever realization you originally "forgot" about.

There's also some days where reality suddenly feels like a dream and vice versa. You can't tell if you're awake or not, and often you'll find yourself wondering if you're going to wake up from a nightmare that feels all too real.

The Matrix aside, today felt like one of those days, because it's only just now that I woke up. Kind of scary, really, because most of the day just zipped by waiting for me to notice. Eventually I'll be able to pick myself back from where I came from.

Restarting...

When I said I was done, I meant it. But did I confer as to what I was done with? Of course not; I'm too much of a cryptic jerk to openly state the obvious answer.

In truth, I did call it. I was done... with the craptastic lethargy that I've allowed myself to get swamped by. It did me no good (hell, it's probably driven every reader off), and I've gotten nowhere with my creativity.

I told myself, "That needs to change, Josh." I agreed... and here we are...

Death and Rebirth

In all seriousness, I'm pretty sure I was dead for some time. No, we're not talking about some metaphorical "he's been off the radar for gods-know-how-long; where the frak is he?" version of death. I'm talking about the "deceased long enough to qualify for a black arts ritual or an alpha zombie" kind of dead.

When you think about it for some time, you'd probably agree with me. Let's take a look at the last seven months that 2013 has witnessed so far in my life. Just how many good quality entries were there on this blog? As I'm too lazy to look back at the last 212 entries or so, I'm going to guess that less than 10% could actually qualify as "decent" or better. (If the last qualifying entry was written nearly two months ago, then I'm sure my guess seems accurate.)

I did attempt to get myself revived at the start of July. Truly. I mean, (I tried. We can see how that resulted.) While it led to self-disappointment at how weak I've allowed myself to become, it led to something I didn't expect to show up.

Kidnapped by Time

Today's work was interrupted by a discovery from the past that I have just unearthed for the first time ever. In due time you'll hear about it, but for now... I think I need to learn more about this discovery that I just made, so.. well, I'll guess I'll see y'all tomorrow. *laughs*

Playing With Fire

Something tells me all this dormant energy inside me is just going to explode real soon. And when it's there, I better have the keyboard ready to type down and record whatever comes out.

I don't know what it is (oh, hell, I do know), but I'm about ready to just go all out. I either burn up... or become something far greater than any firebender can ever hope for. All I know is this: the flames are ready to be stoked. They just need someone to trigger it all.

Of course, this may require some safety gear. Let's check on that first.

Cryptic Much?

And crunch time begins NOW. It could be over, or it could be beginning. We'll see what fate has in mind...

Holding the Deteriorating Line

It's baffling to me how in my situation, I've yet to go mad. It seems that each day I inch closer to a sealed fate out of my control - even though I'm trying my darndest to keep the reins steady. I try to keep a calm, level-headed, and optimistic look on things, but as the nights grow colder and the resources become barren, it wouldn't be surprising if I were to just lose it.

I think I have a few ideas as to why I haven't plunged into the deep end just yet. I got people out there watching over me. I have a slight amount of luck left. I've been focusing on keeping my spirits high despite the run-down situation I'm stuck in.

And most importantly, I'm glad that I'm still alive. That's always a great thing - and that's probably the reason why I haven't gone downhill. (Because let's face it - death is a pretty bad "downhill" experience. *laughs* deteriorating

About to Look Up

Rolling with the punches sometimes isn't enough. Sometimes you need strength of will to get through to the other side. I'll be honest - I'm not feeling particularly inspired lately for anything. It could be the tail end of 2012 slamming down on me; it could be my current situation; it could be a whole lot of factors that I have constantly (and possibly still) overlooked

Believe me when I say that I'm trying my best to be inspired and post fun things on here. I could be drained. I'm not sure. It feels like this year's been a personal manifestation of Hell. While I might have been thrown face-first into the dirt and left to rot, there's one thing they forgot to do. They forgot to kill me. Their mistake of leaving me alive means I still have a chance to crawl out and get back up from my fall.

With 2012 coming to a close, there's a lot of uncertainty in the air around me. I don't know anything, but I know one thing for sure. I might be ending 2012 on the lowest levels of life that I've ever been in. However, when you're down so low, there's only one direction you can go:

UP.

A Taste of Survival

I hate when things go from bad to worse... and then from worse to Hell.

Hell in a handbasket, really.

Survival is now paramount, when all things are considered.

Casual Insanity

The difference between the things you and I share are nothing, because you and I share nothing in this world that is fleeting and justly confusing. And here I am confusing you like always, but let me tell you that truth lies here in these mists of delirium.

Quoting the Headless Horseman

"This end have I reached before. What new adventure... lies in store?"

Short-Handed Prose

And it comes down to this - writing and some bad prose. It all leads to something new, something more... and I become weary of working on my words. But I continue to do so, as it compels me to do more - to write more and create more.

For the world is now mine to mold into what I desire, and I wish for nothing but blissful words that work out the problems I see.

Come on, follow me - we'll soon be able to find the truth we've reached for all this time...

Eternal Return

All this has happened before, and all this will happen again.

That Which One Stalls

Sometimes the answers come when you don't want them to. When that happens, you'll find that such things like deadlines are meaningless in their mission.

Quip to Adventure

Sometimes a drastic journey is necessary to discover something once lost.

Montage of Mystery

So I haven't really been motivated to get out of bed today.

I had to tell myself to get up. It took a while because I was comfy texting lying there listening to music content with how the morning was going.

It's been somewhat rough these past few days. It's been apparent on the blog here - short entries, a lack of concentration, thoughts drifting elsewhere when I should be working on things...

...oh, wait. That's what I've been exhibiting in real life? Uh... riiiight. *sheepishly clears throat* Ignore all this, then. I'm just spouting nonsense that can't be explained and won't be explained for now. (Or can it and will it...?)

Morning Amusement

I find today to be particularly amusing, and I'll tell you why.

Imprisoned Revelation

What happens when you get a day off and there's no one in range to hang out with? Well, you get a bored person (yourself) and absolutely nothing to do. It feels like a prison of sorts that you were thrown into against your will. As far as you recall, you've done nothing to deserve this fate. You spend a good while wondering how you got yourself into this predicament in the first place, lamenting and whining all the way.

And sometimes, you demonstrate your boredom in a physical way.

After coming to grips with things, you start taking action in some way. Now, one of three things can result because of this.

1.) You kill yourself out of sheer boredom.

Now, I don't mean like how George Sanders killed himself in 1972. I mean it in a metaphorical sense. You spend countless hours sitting there wishing for something - anything - to do. You'd even welcome death if it offered some kind of reprieve from not being able to do anything! (Not that you'd want to - in which case, you should probably seek out a hotline...) So you lie there in a cesspool of woe and complaints, wondering if you can break out of it within the next "X" minutes... every single second.

2.) You attempt to break out of your cell using your network of contacts.

This is where you call the friends you haven't run into in a while but still talk with. This is where you call people you like to hang out with, only to find that a majority of them either have their jobs to work at or already-made plans to enact. Someone's gotta be out there to save you... but do they? (In my experience, this route has offered a 15% chance of success - and that percentage lessens if the weather's not great or if it's the weekend.)

3.) You sit there and wait for an opportunity to present itself.

And when one does, you leap on it, not caring about how bad of a plan this Hobson's choice is. You pick up that dusty game in your closet that you said you'd play... six months ago. You take the time to thoroughly scan your pantry and closet, making an accurate shopping list. This is where you tell yourself at the mall, "Frak it; I'm visiting [insert store you haven't visited before]. Why not?"

While most people will end up choosing the second option and then fall back to the third one should nobody make contact, artists will invariably end up choosing #3 over #2 - only because they realize that a free day where they're bored doesn't come up all that often. (That, or they wanted some kind of "source" of inspiration and tried #2 anyway.)

But some artists come up with a third option of their own. They somehow milk the boredom and create something out of it.

Maybe that's why you're here. While on standby for #2 or #3, you saw that I posted today and figured, "Why the hell not? It's not like I've anything better to do."

And since I'm (sort of) on standby myself, I wrote this because "I've nothing better to do." I decided to see if I could write a grand entry like I said I would yesterday. In order to do that, I guess I needed a day of boredom to myself. Alone. Just me and nothing... and nopony... together... alone. So I can write. Alone. And in this state of being alone with boredom (...together), I composed this. *points below*

I honestly don't know whether to call it a creation fused out of boredom, or some twisted fabrication of half-truths and deception I'd expect a Leobin to spout off to me. Either way, it's something, and while it might throw most of you off... the attentive readers out there might be able to extract something out of this.

But what exactly, you ask? Well, let's get the show rockin' - if you're good enough, you just might find something you're not looking for that makes your unsure decision to read this entry worth it...

The Flames of Rhythm

Today feels like a great day. It's sunny outside, the birds are chirping, no clouds in the the sky at all. It's one of those rare opportunities to do fun things in the daylight, such as hitting the beach, going to a friend's to hang out, and maybe teaming up in the end so y'all can set the local orphanage on fire.

"One shudders to imagine what inhuman thoughts lie behind that mask... what dreams of chronic and sustained cruelty..."
- The Spy (Team Fortress 2: Meet the Pyro)
(Image made by "ChemicalAlia" and found on DeviantArt.)

But enough talk about delusions of arson and homicide - you're here to have a fun read, not commit ridiculous felonies! (At least I hope you're not.) Let's go!

Musing Out

I didn't know what to write today. Really, now. I didn't. That's what my mind was thinking all day. Hell, it was thinking like this for almost a week now. Frankly, I was getting tired of it, but it looked as if today was going to be the same.

I guess that's what happens when nothing interesting happens in your life. Lately life seems to look like an endless loop of the following:

• wake up
• prep for your day
• work (on a work day)
• get your off-day plans with people botched
• sleep

Once you're stuck in a routine like that, living just seems... well, dull.