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| And sometimes, you demonstrate your boredom in a physical way. |
1.) You kill yourself out of sheer boredom.
Now, I don't mean like how George Sanders killed himself in 1972. I mean it in a metaphorical sense. You spend countless hours sitting there wishing for something - anything - to do. You'd even welcome death if it offered some kind of reprieve from not being able to do anything! (Not that you'd want to - in which case, you should probably seek out a hotline...) So you lie there in a cesspool of woe and complaints, wondering if you can break out of it within the next "X" minutes... every single second.2.) You attempt to break out of your cell using your network of contacts.
This is where you call the friends you haven't run into in a while but still talk with. This is where you call people you like to hang out with, only to find that a majority of them either have their jobs to work at or already-made plans to enact. Someone's gotta be out there to save you... but do they? (In my experience, this route has offered a 15% chance of success - and that percentage lessens if the weather's not great or if it's the weekend.)3.) You sit there and wait for an opportunity to present itself.
And when one does, you leap on it, not caring about how bad of a plan this Hobson's choice is. You pick up that dusty game in your closet that you said you'd play... six months ago. You take the time to thoroughly scan your pantry and closet, making an accurate shopping list. This is where you tell yourself at the mall, "Frak it; I'm visiting [insert store you haven't visited before]. Why not?"While most people will end up choosing the second option and then fall back to the third one should nobody make contact, artists will invariably end up choosing #3 over #2 - only because they realize that a free day where they're bored doesn't come up all that often. (That, or they wanted some kind of "source" of inspiration and tried #2 anyway.)
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| But some artists come up with a third option of their own. They somehow milk the boredom and create something out of it. |
And since I'm (sort of) on standby myself, I wrote this because "I've nothing better to do." I decided to see if I could write a grand entry like I said I would yesterday. In order to do that, I guess I needed a day of boredom to myself. Alone. Just me and nothing... and nopony... together... alone. So I can write. Alone. And in this state of being alone with boredom (...together), I composed this. *points below*
I honestly don't know whether to call it a creation fused out of boredom, or some twisted fabrication of half-truths and deception I'd expect a Leobin to spout off to me. Either way, it's something, and while it might throw most of you off... the attentive readers out there might be able to extract something out of this.
But what exactly, you ask? Well, let's get the show rockin' - if you're good enough, you just might find something you're not looking for that makes your unsure decision to read this entry worth it...
CURRENT MUSIC:
Shouji Meguro - "Specialist"
Persona 4 Original Soundtrack
As Persona 4 is part-RPG and part-simulation, it would make sense for two different styles of music to appear in the game. One helps accentuate your fights against the Shadows, and the other accentuates the fun and randomness of daily life outside the television. The first usually incorporates a tone of "let's kick some ass and chew bubblegum" while the latter makes life worth enjoying.
Enter "Specialist," a track off of the Persona 4 soundtrack. Primarily played during your days spent in school (and even more so when you're being quizzed), it sets the tone for classroom learning. That, and it makes for awesome thinking/working music to boot. A decent portion of today's entry was played with this on a loop, and I think it was able to bolster today's entry well enough.
Don't believe me? Keep reading and just see how much I put on here. That, and try working on some homework or a paper or some random task with this playing in the background. All of a sudden that chore of a job seems more fun to do, right?
Martin O'Donnell and Michael Salvatori - "The Rookie"
Halo 3: ODST Original Soundtrack
Considering how today is pretty cloudy, it sets the tone for an almost-noir moment. The second piece of ODST's soundtrack serves as a nice way to help accentuate the weather, and it also sets the atmosphere for today's entry. Named after the game's silent protagonist, it consists of three different music cues heard in-game.
The first, "Strong Silent Type," (0:00-1:40) instantly reminds me of a mission briefing in a deadly mission. It also provides with a bit of that "main menu" sound, which is something nice to hear in a lobby while you're waiting for the elevator to take you up to your fate.
"Postpartum" (1:40-3:06) kicks in as the music that plays when the ODSTs drop into New Mombasa (which must look pretty cool in-game - remember; I've yet to play ODST) right up until the slipspace rupture, and "Proceed with Caution" (the rest of the track) plays when the Rookie regains consciousness and begins to search for the rest of his squad.
As I was jumping into today somewhat blind, I figured that "The Rookie" would make an excellent backdrop piece for this entry. Now if only I was entering the day like these Helljumpers were. (Then again, I don't think I'd enjoy potentially getting killed without setting my feet into the soil...) This opening cutscene uses the music exactly as I envisioned it, and that's a great thing. Now I just need to play the game...
Well, well... good afternoon, everybody! Welcome to July 5th and another entry on The White Knight Chronicles.
For those of you who came here from Facebook and are wondering what I meant by that statement, you're going to have to read on to find out. For those of you who didn't come here from Facebook (what, that's possible?), that means you probably read the opening thoroughly and know what to expect.
It's not a bias, because no matter how you ended up on this entry, the truth is that you don't know what to expect. Trust me, however, when I say that the revelations found here can bring positive changes to everyone somehow - you'll just have to figure out what they are.
But enough of the cryptic metaphors - that's not the only thing I'm talking about today. Let's hop to it.
Deprivation Relaxation
(Or: The story of exploring why I can't sleep lately.)
You might remember something I said a few days ago... how I said I've had the strangest case of "insomnia" or something like that. This was true, but I don't think the word I chose gives a proper explanation.
For those nights, I would attempt to sleep at a proper time (barring a few days where I didn't) and attempt to wake up at an appropriate time afterwards. Despite my actions, I'd find myself waking up at the most ridiculous times and being unable to fall back asleep. Once was at 0600 after falling asleep at 0430; once at 0300 after falling asleep at 0030 (and not falling asleep until 0500ish); once at 0600, 0800, and 1000 after falling asleep at 0130ish (I really don't know how that happened)... the list goes on.
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| The author of this blog, sleeping on the job |
However, last night I was able to somewhat curb this restlessness. I fell asleep at roughly 0100 and woke up around 0835 (which is ten minutes after my alarm went off) - roughly seven-point-five hours. That's by no means a sign that this burst of insomnia is gone for time being - but it's a good start. Maybe I just need to somehow catch up on my sleep. Not sure how I'll do that, but it sounds like it's something I need.
...or maybe I'm just overdue for a vacation. Something at work told me that I could use a break away from working, and I was inclined to agree. Now, the best time to have this vacation? How 'bout my birthday week in August? That sounds like a good time. Now to see if my sleep patterns can return to a (somewhat-)normal state before the months change.
A Vacation in Self-Refelction
(Because bad vacation trips still reward you with something in the end: the truth. What this truth means is up to you.)
But before I take that actual vacation, I think it's time to take advantage of the unique mindset of chaos and reflection that surfaces whenever I'm in a state of sleep deprivation. Time for a trip inside... *booming voice* my mind. While it's by no means a strongly-fatigued mindset this time (I've been getting some sleep as opposed to getting, say, extremely little), it's still present, which means there's a bit of psychosis present. And when that psychosis is milked for writing... we get something interesting.
After some recent conversations with some people at work, I found myself wondering about some things. We didn't have any deep, philosophical discussions or anything of the sort (though that wouldn't stop me from enjoying the talk), but right before the chat ended, that's when I started noticing some things. It wasn't about the conversation topics, the words used in said conversations, or the people who chatted me up. It was the things I noticed within myself after the conversations ended.
But before we dive straight into the madness, I think I should explain a few things first.
I decided to subject you to this today because... well, whenever I think like this, I've found that telling people about my psychosis - even when I do it over the Internet to readers who don't want to see it... as opposed to talking about it to one person who wouldn't mind listening - won't kill you when compared to keeping it bottled and having it slowly consume you from within. Trust me on that - keeping certain things bottled hurts you more than you think it does.
Secondly, I've learned that just about nopony of any major consequence reads this blog, so I'm relatively safe from scrutiny. (At least until I'm famous.) By this, I don't mean to say that y'all that are currently reading this are of no major consequence to my life (if anything, I'm flattered that you take the time to read this). What I mean is that none of you have any real reason to use this period of self-reflection (or any period of my mind, really) against me, and that we're friends. (I hope.) This pretty much means that I can write and write until I feel that my mind, conscience, and heart feel cleaned out and purified... and I don't have to worry much about people poking fun of me (in my face) or anything like that.
Thirdly, it helps me and this blog out by giving me something to write about, which in turn attracts y'all to come here. Despite how well June ended in terms of content, July so far hasn't been doing all that hot. The first four entries so far were pretty short, and I was starting to mentally beat myself up for it. It didn't help that my girlfriend was poking fun of me for the lack of quality entries, either. So last night, I felt determined to type something today to make up for that lethargy. Here we are now - me typing things up here so we have a strong entry to help open up this month, and you here to
So, now that that's out of the way, let's see just what's been haunting my thoughts recently... what twisted, manic dreams of hope and despair barred me from forgiving myself for being me. (And here begin the real cryptic metaphors...)
When it comes to weaknesses, there's a sub-list that is complied of the basic tenets of weakness (according to me, at least):
- personal vices
- fatal flaws
- fears
- physical condition
For some time I had this nagging feeling approach my subconscious and settle itself within my thoughts. At the time, I knew it was there, but I could never identify what it was. As the time turned from the past to the present, I began to experience events that would help me identify what this feeling was... what subconscious fear nestled in my brain... what destructive behavior it wrought to my personality - and in turn, my actions to others.
Loneliness.
Hard to imagine how one word can generate so much despair in our hearts. Well, I'm not sure about yours, but I know mine is easily afflicted by it.
Think back to every day you've spent in your life. Now think back to those days where you've had very minimal social contact with anyone. I'm talking about less than an hour's worth - the kind where you barely notice and interact with people. You brush them aside and for some strange (and uncharacteristic, for some) reason you feel like keeping to yourself. Introversion and extroversion don't matter at this point - you just want to be alone, and frak anyone who wants to make you experience otherwise. It's a feeling of bitter, melancholic solitude - an unexplained and uncaring "hatred" of the world and its inhabitants. (Don't say you've never had a day like that - you're a frakking liar if you do.) Do you have that feeling fresh in your mind? Good.
Now think of a day where you've tried your darnedest to interact with people, but for some reason none of your efforts seem to grow to fruition. Friends have plans; family's off working; strangers seem to avoid you like the plague. For some reason, that feeling of "unexplained and uncaring 'hatred' of the world" shows up to sour the day (because it almost felt like you were being ignored). All of a sudden, you're left with that same bitter, melancholic solitude - only this time, instead of rage or apathy, you feel a surge of depression from being by yourself.
I don't like being alone.
It's not a fun feeling to experience. I've always wondered what got me to decide to switch from being a self-exiled outcast to becoming a social butterfly years ago, and I think I finally got my answer. (It only took me six years.)
I've always listed "being too kind" and "caring two much" as two of my fatal flaws (though I've cited the former more than the latter), but after solving that question, I think this "new" discovery has to be added to the list. Of course, the question of why it began to develop and finally rear itself now still beckons to be answered. Maybe I should look into that.
I estimate that I can barely last five minutes without getting bored somewhere. It only gets worse if I'm by myself (hell, at that point I don't think I can even last five seconds!). I get a little fidgety, and my emotions turn into a roulette that could end with any emotion in any direction (though it usually ends with a hint of sadness). This is why it's not that surprising when my work supervisors bemusingly state that I've strayed from my assigned department.
On my days off where nobody is free and/or I've forced myself to finishing a task (much like today), that boredom/loneliness seems to amplify, and while I don't show any signs of sadness from it, my heart begs to differ. The more romantic of you might be able to relate. Think of those twinges of romantic loneliness - that empty, cold, sucking hole you get in your heart that seems to draw nothing but the void. Now apply that same feeling to a non-romantic setting and you'll get how I feel when I'm all by myself.
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| Pay attention to me! Pay attention to me! Why won't you pay attention to me!? (These were not Mitsuo Kubo's actual lines in Persona 4.) |
With a little bit of research (plus a recollection of words from a psychiatrist I saw years ago), I think I pinpointed the source of this feeling. As I've talked about recently, divorce is a crappy thing. Nothing really good comes out of it, and the children are the one to suffer the most - even more so if any deep-seated insecurities are planted at a young age.
But rather than bore you with a technical explanation, we'll just use the "Yoda" approach (y'know, that whole "Fear leads to anger; anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering" bit that really ought to be looked at properly...) to summarize my theory on this.
Divorce leads to custody battles.It can be argued that I'm just letting the divorce from a past that should no longer have any reach get to me. Maybe. Just maybe. At the same time, though, there's a unique scar that divorce etches into the soul, and if there's one thing we all know about scars, it's that they never fully heal. They never go away.
Custody battles (often) lead to one parent dominating the custody time.
Dominating custody time (sometimes) leads to false truths being implanted.
Implanted lies lead to feelings of abandonment by the other parent.
Abandonment leads to mistrust.
Mistrust leads to shutting oneself in (introversion).
Introversion leads to not allowing oneself to fully feel.
Not allowing oneself to fully feel leads to insecurities.
Insecurities lead to trust issues and feelings of loneliness.
As such, it does provide some insight as to why I like hanging out with people... why I love trying to be part of the group or the conversation... and why I still try to butt into said group or conversation even when I'm already in it. Maybe I've formulated some kind of bond, and in my euphoria of being able to (somewhat) trust people, I remember that not all of it can last forever. People have to do things and move on with their lives for the day, and I want to follow... or else I'll be left in the dust by myself.
Of course, by realizing all of that, it got me wondering about some things.
Does that make me "needy?" Does that make me "weak?"
Those are the main questions I was asking myself over the last 36 hours (and to those of you who were inquiring about my current state of mind during that time: you have your answer). I struggled to answer these questions, and I think I was able to formulate an answer.
I am (a bit) needy. There's that sense of wanting to belong... wanting to be acknowledged... wanting to not be by myself... that seems to pop up almost constantly. Sometimes I make the wrong decision and let that impulse take total control. In the end it almost feels like I'm overbearing and a little too attached. And while I would love to blame my past scars and my personality, I can't - it's all me, not wanting to learn from my history or mistakes. It's all me not realizing that I'm not the only person who's important. It's all me not acknowledging my flaws and not attempting to even perform the slightest action to fight them.
But does this need - this longing for social contact with other people - make me weak? Maybe. Perhaps. Yes. However, at the same time, I have to say "No." Humanity is considered to be a social species. We interact with one another on a near-constant basis. It could even be argued that it's in our nature to want to hang out with others. By doing so, it makes us feel human. It makes me feel human. At the same time, overdoing this can be a problem, as it can be seen as "needy," "overbearing," and "smothering."
And since I tend to do these things, it can make me seem "weak." At the same time, knowing about these things and wanting to find a method to combat them may be seen as something other than "weak" - it's just up to me and you to determine whether or not it can be classified as "strength."
(Author's Note: Some of you might have noticed that despite this revelation, there's a part missing with most confessions like these. That is the "resolution" - the desire to change oneself for the better. I can't give one, because I see a resolution as a promise - and I'd hate to break promises. When you consider the fact that I (along with humanity) am a creature of repetition, it can only mean that I'll inevitably go back to going through this cycle again. So rather than go through with a broken promise, I thought a confession and a confession alone ought to do the job just fine.)
Now, that leaves us with two questions that I challenge you to answer:
- Does me admitting my flaws make me a better person for doing so, or does it make me look like a pompous show-off?
- Did you find the true revelation you were looking for?
What was the truth you set yourself off to find in the first place? *arches eyebrow*
The Lighter Side of a Dark World
(Because we needed something to pick us up after that draining surge of a wall of text...)
So, to lighten the mood and close us off today with something a bit more... warm-hearted... we'll be discussing some anime stuff. Yay, fun things!
During one of my bouts of sleeplessness earlier this week, I figured I'd re-watch something I haven't seen in ages: Code Geass: Lelouch of the Rebellion. It's one of the few series I've seen in its entirety, and it was something I enjoyed to boot. I mean, come on - action, mecha, some comedic elements, and the contrasting look of two differing viewpoints (and therefore, actions) of justice? It just hooked me in from the first episode all the way to its finale on the second season.
Of course, that was just one reason why I enjoyed the series. Aside from the super-awesome mecha (sorry, I mean Knightmare Frames) and the story, there was one other thing that grabbed me. If you were expecting me to say "music," that's not it (though the music's pretty good for this series).
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| Princess Euphemia li Britannia (left) and Suzaku Kururugi (right). Sadly, I've no idea who the original artist is. |
This might stem from a dream I once had where I was in a relationship with a woman of high nobility (seeing as how this was a dream in some far-off land that doesn't exist, I'm not too sure if they were royalty... but if they weren't, they were damned close). Seeing as how I possess a delusional (and an almost-zealous) devotion to honor, I felt it necessary to become her protector. Yeah... such is my chivalrous nature that I'd want to become her knight. Call me old-fashioned, but... yeah. I've always envisioned myself as some kind of hero if I ever got into a relationship where we could act out the "Lady and Knight" dynamic.
What does all that have to do with anything? Nothing, really. I just wanted a reason to slap this picture on my blog. It's so cutesy and adorable that I could vomit rainbows. (And I probably did when I first saw the show.)
After getting through the first twelve episodes, I realized that I did indeed forget to put someone in contention for the "Top Ten Fictional Females" list. Ah, well. That would be my fault, and I imposed a rule that states I can't post an updated Top Ten list for another three hundred and sixty-five days. If I ever decided to re-do this Top Ten list, I think Euphemia's going to fight her way in.
In the meantime... DAAAAAAW. How cute are they? (Hehe.)
Well, that about wraps things up for today. 'Bout time I posted something big (even if it involved things you didn't want to read), so this makes me feel a bit giddy inside. Yay for accomplishing something of myself today, right?
Well, until the 'morrow, everyone. I'll let you hunt for what you're looking for until then.
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