*shakes violently* Frak; this is a lot harder to do sober.
Okay, okay... I can get through this. I'm not going to second-guess anything I type here today. I'm just going to type it up and leave it as is (minus the post-typing grammar/spelling check, of course). I don't think I'm going to censor myself.
Part of me wants to do this so that if a psychologist or someone of the sort stumbles upon this when seeing me as a client/patient/money pot, they might be able to understand me a bit more (sort of).
*clears throat* Okay... time to get started. Let's see what my mind churns up...
"I am a deviant of my own sins."
I typed that once, some long time ago. I know I did because I was looking through my old cell phones for random files I kept. I browsed through the notes section of one of them and found a string of thoughts I typed up one night when I was... eh, let's just say "emotional." The above line was part of those thoughts.
You reap what you sow, and I've sown plenty of bad things in my life. Some are trifle, some are unforgivable.
Wow, I'm sounding horribly cliché, aren't I?
"Do I aim for solace? for justice unreached?"
What is it that I strive for? As a knight, I have to know what I stand for - otherwise I'm just an average sellsword fighting for the first cause that pays well. Somehow, though... I think I do know what I fight for. I just haven't had it land in my arms and in my sights yet.
It hasn't landed in view...? So, what do I fight for? Hell, what do I live for? Who do I live for? Is the answer in plain sight, or is it something I've yet to discover in my life? Maybe if that's the case, I won't run into it for another few days... or years... or God-knows-when.
Huh. Maybe this wasn't a bad idea. It's like opening a box of Psychosis Flakes and downing it with a side of Crazy-O's to boot. Then again, I've always been like this - borderline-psychotic, crazy enough to make you wonder if I was the next Columbine kid (that's what most of my high school peers did, at least) yet stable enough to realize I'm just eccentric and that's how I do things. My mind, my other half, my inner demon that I thought I vanquished... whatever you and I want to call it... its grave is Pandora's Box, and despite all heeded warnings the curious side of me can't help but creak off the top and wonder what is inside, knowing full well what was in store.
Maybe I relish the feeling of letting chaos flow from me. Maybe I'm a bit of a masochist - at least in the psychological sense. I don't know. I just don't know. Maybe I'm crazy and I don't want to admit I'm potentially going through some kind of mental disorder. Maybe I'm just a psychological hypochondriac. Heck, maybe I'm just speaking out of my frakking ass or something.
(Author's Note: Battlestar Galactica spoilers ahead. (As if the tag didn't warn you already...) For safety, I've blackmarked the sensitive spoilers, but I'm sure I left some stuff untouched. You've been warned, so read at your own risk.)
Speaking of the word "frak," getting through season 3 of Battlestar Galactica. Geez, I'm loving it, although the whole "figuring out who the last five Cylons are" bit's freaking me out. I'm just wondering who they could be. That, and there's that risk that one of the main characters will probably be killed (because an excellent television series will be capable of pulling that off and still be running a show), so I've been on my guard - especially if it's a character that I like (and I've come to like a lot of them).
Now, back to the whole "who're the last five Cylons" bit... as much as I've been wanting to figure this out, I kind of don't. After all, it's been said that some are programmed to think they're human, so even one of the main characters could be one. Of course, I have my theories, and I've been discussing them somewhat with a co-worker who's seen the whole run of Galactica already.
Doctor Gaius Baltar: POTENTIALLY A CYLON. I mean, he even questions it himself, and in episode 3.13 he tries to kill himself just to check. Of course, since he's now about as stable as the political issues dealing with the Middle East, I'm not quite so sure... but if he is, I won't be all that surprised.
Admiral William Adama: NOT A CYLON. Considering how he's old enough to have lived through the first Cylon War, there's no way he could be one. In the words of Baltar, the Cylons back then looked like "walking chrome toasters" and were totally not able to look and pass off as human. (At least, as far as I know. There's that highly unlikely probability that the project was started off in total secrecy. Who knows?)
Captain Karl "Helo" Agathon: NOT A TOASTER. Yes, he's married to one. (
Major Lee "Apollo" Adama: NOT A FRAKKIN' CYLON. That would just be weird. Plus, it wouldn't make sense - I get the feeling that William Adama was there to witness both of his kids' births.
Captain Kara "Starbuck" Thrace: ...I DOUBT IT, BUT... Leobin Conoy said something to her in the first season... something about how she has her own destiny to follow. Part of me wants to say that she isn't Cylon, but there's that possibility...
Everyone Else: If something comes up, I'll probably wonder about it. For now, though... let's not.
Okay, I've been talking enough about Battlestar Galactica - any more and I'm gonna end up with either a brain aneurysm from thinking about this too much or the urge to just call in sick one of these days (I haven't really had much days off) and watch the rest of the show.
Oh, who am I kidding - I need the money from work! I ain't calling out. =P
Thinking too much... it's what I do. I've been wondering who and who could be a Cylon that it's been switching back and forth between other topics I've been delving into for far too long and far too deeply. I'm scared. Scared that somewhere I'm bound to lose myself somewhere within all this psychosis... this madness.
I'm flawed. We all are. The question is: how flawed are we? I'd like to get that answered one day, and I pray that that day is sooner than later. The sooner I can deal with it, the sooner I can begin to accept it.
Well, that's it. I'm done typing for today. All this thinking and depending on my mind to come up with things... it's gotten me to think about things I told myself I wouldn't talk about. I know I said I wouldn't censor myself, but hey - everybody's gotta have secrets. You have yours, and I have mine. Don't go lying to me and say that you don't have any, because that would make you a liar.
*clears throat* Okay, frak it - I'm gonna go back to watching Battlestar Galactica and get some lunch. Ciao.
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