A Good January End

Today felt like a good day overall. A good day at work, a good day at the movies with Wendy, and a really good Star Wars movie.

I'd talk more, but the excitement over my expectations being achieved (and then some) threw me on overload.

Pain in Two

I find it funny how my recent bout of depression was unknowingly self-inflicted.

No, I'm not talking about "controlling my emotions" or making sure that "my emotions don't get the better of me." Not that motivational crap. I'm talking about doing something minor almost three years ago that added up to where I'm at.

I recently filed my tax return this year, and for the first time in my life, I owed money to the government. For the last few years or so, my tax returns have been dreadfully abysmal. Years ago, I was getting four digits back total (four from the federal return and a few hundred extra from the state), but with the last three years I was getting drastically less and less.

And now I owe.

At first I thought it was due to my job. Tips can add up and they can affect taxes if you get too much, but I usually don't get that much. (Not like someone would tip me ten grand like those random diner waitresses you hear about in the news occasionally.) But after checking in with a consultant and re-doing the math, that wasn't it. Then I thought it was my earnings, which were far more substantial than what I was earning back at my old job. Then I took a look at my pay stub, and I found out why it felt like the government was financially frakking me senseless.

I CLAIMED "TWO" ON MY W-4.

*headdesk*

The moral of the story, everyone? Make sure you file your paperwork correctly the first time.

Two Hurts Too Much

It's amazing how fast a day can go from "utterly fantastic" to "abysmally dreary." All it took was two dollars, too.

Aches Gone and New

The last two days felt like they were worth it. I got to hang out with people; I made plans to do more things over the next few days; I got some much-needed level-grinding done in Persona 4; I got to relax and not have to worry about one damn thing. I missed having two days off in a row, because there's nothing quite as refreshing. (Except maybe a three-day weekend, but that's a whole 'nother ball game right there.)

And with that, my weekend comes to a close as I prepare myself to go to sleep, wake up, and head back to work. I'm not dreading it so much as groaning and moaning, but hey - that's what I do. I got some errands to run as well tomorrow afternoon, so maybe that's why I'm bellyaching so much. The little energy I'll have left from work will most likely be spent on my chores and, well... at least I got that going for me.

I think I had something planned for tomorrow...

Nighter

There are some nights where I wish I was restless enough to stay up and work on things. As a former night owl, that was where I worked the best. My finals in high school, a long night of building things with Lego, some session in World of Warcraft where I told myself "Just a few more levels..." - things like that were when I would operate the best. Somehow, I was able to focus all my energy in that one night, fall asleep at around 0600, and then wake up midday feeling like I accomplished something.

Now... not so much. Working morning shifts have entirely mucked up that opportunity. I'm too exhausted from work to usually do so, and said exhaustion usually means I'm just on autopilot for the hours after I get off. Sure, I could try to pull an all-nighter on my days off, but it doesn't feel the same. Something about crunching in whatever work (or "work") needs to be done in a set morning deadline usually feels... right to me.

I want to figure out how to get that back - or at the very least, re-adjust myself so that I can still get that feeling with my "work in the morning" routine.

Sleeping Start

Finally... after a lot of work and a lot of days spent doing a lot of work, I'm rewarded with two days off in a row. I haven't had that in a while - it's basically my own free little weekend of sorts.

Yes, I know - it's the middle of the week, but any time I get two days off in a row is a blessing. I get time to recuperate and figure out what I'm going to do to relax my physically weary self. Do I hang out with friends? Do I spend time by myself working on personal projects? Do I veg out, lose track of time, and use that as a way to subconsciously recover? Do I combine those ideas, or do I try something I haven't thought of yet? The next two days are my oyster.

Of course, trying to put all these plans into action is going to be tough, because I need some sleep. Like, right frakking now. So I'm going to turn in and then see what the morning brings me.

Auto-Sleepless

This weird pseudo-insomnia's back, and it's not letting me relax the way I'd like to relax. Not enough sleep at once, not enough energy spent working on things... not enough, not enough. Normally, I'd be okay with being like this - I get to work on personal things every so often, and in the past, I'd still have enough energy for the rest of the day.

Not this time, though. I don't have the youthfulness I did back then, and I'm sure I didn't have as much pressure to be successful as I do now. Less responsibilities, too - man, I sure had it easy back then. The worst part is that I'm hurting on sleep, and I'm sure I'm going to pay for it in the long run. For now, though, I'll just have to take this in stride and figure out a way for me to be able to work (my brain tends to be on autopilot while I'm awake in the night hours, and my body can't seem to go back to sleep no matter what I try).

Maybe I should invest in the occasional catnap. Sounds like a perfectly acceptable idea for right now.

Maddening States

I'm not entirely sure what to make of those moments when both fatigue and insomnia hit you at the same time. Periods of blissful sleep are punctuated between moments of mind-wiping terror over how you can't stay asleep. It's nothing but maddening, and sometimes, there's no real cure.

I seem to be getting my fair share of that lately. No, it's not because high levels of caffeine have been reintroduced into my system. No, it's not severe anxiety over some big project or evaluation or upcoming event. Heck, it's not even due to my alarm being set all weird every other day.

It's probably just some weird little... tic, for lack of a better word. I call it that because the last time I was stuck in this weird nighttime "limbo" was years ago (as in "around 2010"). The fun thing was that last time, I was able to get a few things done. That last time, I remember being "productive" with by working on a then-new Lego project and going through episodes of whatever new anime series came out then.

That was then and this is now. As I'm older than I was that last time, I've realized that as this tic is just starting up, I might as well work on something and make good use of the time.

But what?

Processing

I get so caught up in what I'm doing sometimes that I forget about all other things. But sometimes, getting caught up in whatever I'm doing gives me time to come up with something so awesome I just have to focus.

Keep it moving!

And when that happens, I just need time to process it all... get it unpacked from my mind and into something more physical, metaphorically speaking. I'm going to keep doing that while I sleep tonight. And then I'm going to wake up, go to work, come home, and figure out how this all plays out.

Sleepy Realization

Today's one of those days where I somehow got sapped of all my energy, despite not having done much apart from working.

That's probably not a good thing. I have projects I want to take care of and work on, shows I need to watch, and music I need to listen to. There's so much on my plate I need to take in and so little time for me to work on anything before the fatigue sets in. It's maddening for me, because I won't want to deal with being tired. (Sleep may be for the dead, but geez - it sure does interfere with the living a lot.)

What's worse is those times when the fatigue sets in much earlier than usual. The events that play out on those days (today included) usually don't add up. This leads me to ask myself one question: how in the world did I get so damn tired so early?

...

I think I should schedule a vacation for myself one of these days.