Ends Begin

As most people who've ever taken an extended vacation from their jobs can attest to, their last days off are some of the most bittersweet ones. Some people will find these days to carry both auras of happiness and light sadness and frivolously take what these final moments of calm offer them. Others will suddenly find themselves swamped with a sense of impending dread that does everything but drown their will to make their last days of relaxation good ones.

In my case, I ended up with a combination of both of those things. While I enjoyed what the last few days have offered me and feel refreshed and ready to go back to work, there's a sense of doom that overcame me. Mind you, this doom is not the "Yeah, life sucks; enjoy your monotony at work, bitch!" kind of doom - nor is it the "You'll never feel this good ever again!" kind. It's a unique kind of doom that manifests itself as lethargy and a strong desire to hold claim to apathy.

I didn't wake up 'til about 1040 this morning. And to be honest, wasting the day by sleeping sounded like a decent plan...

As you can see, this doom has claimed me on this, the tenth and final day of this summer 2012 vacation. I woke up with a sense of dread about going back to work (though it'll be nice to do something other than wallow in laziness like today) and a fear that this blissful vacation has reached its end. Simultaneously, however, I awoke to a pleasant feeling of satisfaction - that this break from the drudges of work and a boring, repetitive life of a retail worker was something I oh-so-needed.

So after some time spent loafing around on TV Tropes and mindlessly listening to music, I finally got the urge to begin typing something up. This entry is what resulted.





CURRENT MUSIC:
Kou Outani - "Journey to the Sun"
Gundam Wing: Endless Waltz Original Soundtrack

On a bittersweet and melancholic entry like this one, I find myself wanting to play something that matches the mood. Most days, the music (no matter what it was) would also amplify the emotion it matches within me - and if it was tuned to match a feeling of depression, it would carry this mood even higher.

Today's not one of those days. I'm only feeling bittersweet due to today being my last day of relaxation, and as such it's only a temporary emotion. As such, I feel no need for me to play anything that could accidentally amplify this melancholy. However, since my goal here on this entry is to showcase my life and have my readers involved with what I talk about, I decided to play something anyway.

"Journey to the Sun" is the third track featured in Endless Waltz's CD score. Opening with the somber sound of a lone viola (at least I think it's a viola) followed by an equally-somber lone violin (I'm pretty sure it's a violin), the track has that melancholic (and almost-depressing) sound down to a "T." While it's got the obvious feelings of tragedy and pain that're seen in anything set to a war, it also carries something more. (Indeed there is - as YouTube user "heavyarms01h" commented, "Journey to the Sun" possesses a sense of "resigned, gritty, desperate heroism" to it.)

To be honest, I've never watched anything from any Gundam series. (Before you start a call to arms against this immoral sin, please note that I did watch Gundam Wing back in the good ol' Toonami days... but since it was just bits and pieces of my childhood that I don't remember so well, I might as well say that I didn't watch it.) I've always been a decent fan of mecha-related anime (I think the Metal Gear games had something to do with it), but when it came time to watch Gundam Wing as a kid, my slave-driver of a mother would always force my head into my homework (sometimes literally) at the same time, so I'd never get to fully watch and appreciate the show.

However, if this one piece from Endless Waltz carries this much power to it, then I'm intrigued as to what the actual series possesses. Maybe if I have enough time to do so one day, I'll sit down, watch Gundam Wing, and see if the music can really play its way to striking a chord with me.



"You're born, you live, and you die. There are no do-overs - no second chances to make things right if you frak 'em up the first time. Not in this life anyway. Like I said, you make your choices and you live with them. And in end, you are those choices."
- Kendra Shaw
(Battlestar Galactica: Razor)

Somehow I found this quote to be fitting for today. Reason being is that we as humans will often look back at the past - things we've done, things we've said, things we regret (not) doing - and will judge our current selves based on these things. I know I look back at my life sometimes a whole lot so much that I could probably spend a quarter on my life on flashbacks alone.

However, what matters to me about these reflections is not the reaction I get from looking back. What matters is the final judgement I cast upon myself - "I've lived good thus far"; "I've done shit thus far"; "My life is only beginning" - the decision to call myself a good person or not.

I am what I choose to be. For a good portion of my teenage years, I chose to be this depressed kid who didn't enjoy life and blamed the world for all my ires and woes. And now, I find myself owning up to this - that I caused it all myself. I look at life now and look at the choices I made. And in the end, I am those choices. Flawed, yes, but human and (hopefully) noble all the same.





Well, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to today's entry.

Originally, my plan for today was going to look something like this:

Well, it's not a bad plan... but it's not a good one, either.

However, that seemed like complete and utter crap. As it's my last day to loaf around, not work at work, and get paid to do so (thank you, vacation pay), I wanted to at least make some comments on how this vacation was overall for me. It took me about six hours to actually begin to type anything out on here, and as can be guessed... it was a bit of a struggle. That's what happens when you don't have any idea what to do for yourself on the last day of a vacation...

It's nothing like the curry that was made on my birthday, but it'll do for a late lunch/early dinner.

...and when you have very little energy to operate on. While a vacation means relaxation and worry-free activity, it also means a severe drain on finances - more particularly so if your vacation drains your monetary reserves. As such, I don't have much to munch on, but I should have enough to survive (somewhat) this week until pay day. A few boxes of curry, several pounds of uncooked rice, some packets of ramen, one can of Spam, and enough money for sandwich material... yeah, I think this is doable.

Anyway, moving on.

Overall, I'd say my vacation was great. It was ten days of fun, excitement, and all-around tomfoolery that got me to appreciate my days off even more. I hung out with lots of people, got things done that I wanted to complete, and... well, enjoyed not working. (It sounds like I'm repeating myself, but eh.) And while I've already did a recap entry a few days back, it doesn't matter to me. I've had my share of enjoyable times, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some things to take care of. And as I enter work tomorrow, I'll be arriving refreshed, ready to fight, and looking forward to the next day, where the adventure continues. Until the 'morrow.