Laws of War

Expect a good entry tomorrow on my day off. Right now, I'm doing what I can to rest, recuperate, just do fun things, and possibly some laundry on the side. And to do so requires me to be a bit of a lazy-ass. So, yeah. Until the 'morrow. Here's some Murphy's Laws on warfare I found and collected over the years.

·         Friendly fire isn't.

·         Recoilless rifles aren't.

·         Suppressive fire won't.

·         You are not Superman. (Marines and fighter pilots: please take note.)

·         A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.

·         If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.

·         Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.

·         If at first you don't succeed, call in an air strike.

·         Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

·         Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

·         If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.

·         The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.

·         The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready, and when you're not.

·         No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.

·         There is no such thing as a perfect plan.

·         Five second fuses always burn three seconds.

·         There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.

·         A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.

·         The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.

·         The easy way is always mined.

·         Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.

·         Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as “bomb magnets.”

·         Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.

·         If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.

·         When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.

·         Incoming fire has the right of way.

·         No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.

·         No inspection-ready unit has ever passed combat.

·         If the enemy is within range, so are you.

·         The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

·         Things which must be shipped together as a set aren't.

·         Things that must work together can't be carried to the field that way.

·         Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.

·         Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.

·         Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.

·         Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.

·         Tracers work both ways.

·         When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.

·         Professional soldiers are predictable; it’s the amateurs that’re dangerous.

·         “Military Intelligence” is a contradiction.

·         Fortify your front and you'll get your rear shot up.

·         Weather ain't neutral. Minefields aren’t, either.

·         If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed toward you.

·         Air defense motto: “Shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.”

·         “Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.”

·         The cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.

·         Napalm is an area support weapon.

·         Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

·         B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.

·         Cluster bombs (or any bomb in general) are very accurate. They always hit the ground.

·         Sniper's motto: “Reach out and touch someone.”

·         Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.

·         The one item you need is always in short supply.

·         Interchangeable parts aren't.

·         It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.

·         When in doubt, empty your magazine.

·         The side with the simplest uniforms wins.

·         Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.

·         If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

·         Never stand when you can crouch; never crouch when you can crawl; never stay awake when you can sleep.

·         Exceptions prove the rule and destroy the battle plan.

·         Everything always works in your HQ while everything always fails in the Colonel's HQ.

·         The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.

·         One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.

·         A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.

·         The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.

·         When you have plenty of ammunition, you never miss. When you’re low on ammunition, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.

·         The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.

·         A weapon’s complexity is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.

·         Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

·         No matter which way you have to march, it’s always uphill.

·         For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism (in boot camp).

·         Air strikes always overshoot the target; artillery always falls short.

·         When reviewing radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the VIP ones are always illegible.

·         Those who hesitate under fire usually don’t end up KIA or WIA.

·         The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.

·         To steal information from a person is called “plagiarism.” To steal information from the enemy is called “gathering intelligence.”

·         The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the machine gun.

·         The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.

·         When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes two weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo, the enemy decides to attack that night.

·         The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor.

·         A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.

·         Beer Math: 2 beers * 37 men = 49 cases.

·         Body Count Math: 3 guerrillas + 1 probable + 2 pigs = 37 enemies KIA.

·         The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.

·         All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather.

·         The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance.

·         The crucial round’s a dud.

·         Every command which can be misunderstood will be.

·         There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.

·         Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.

·         If your positions are firmly set and you’re prepared to take the enemy head-on, he will bypass you.

·         If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it.

·         If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.

·         Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.

·         Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.

·         Odd objects attract fire. You are odd.

·         The stupider the leader, the more important missions they’re ordered to carry out.

·         The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy.

·         There’s always a way, and it usually doesn't work.

·         Success occurs when no one is looking; failure occurs when the general is watching.

·         The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.

·         Whenever you drop your equipment in a firefight, your ammo and grenades are always the farthest away while your canteen always lands at your feet.

·         As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.

·         Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do.

·         The seriousness of a gunshot wound is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.

·         Walking point = sniper bait.

·         If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it’s usually a stupid solution.

·         No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.

·         The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.

·         The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.

·         The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.

·         The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.

·         If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.

·         The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.

·         There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you and miss.

·         Don't be conspicuous. In combat, it draws fire. Out of combat, it draws sergeants.

·         If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

·         Avoid loud noises; there are few silent killers in a combat zone.

·         Never screw over a buddy; you'll never know when he could save your life.

·         Never expect any rations; the only rations that’ll be on time and won't be short is the ration of shit.

·         Respect all religions in a combat zone; take no chances on where you may go if killed.

·         A half-filled canteen’s a beacon for a fully-loaded enemy weapon.

·         When in a firefight, kill as many as you can; the one you miss today may not miss tomorrow.

·         It is a physical impossibility to carry too much ammo.

·         If you survive an ambush, something's wrong.

·         If you can see the flashes from the enemies' guns in battle, he can see yours too.

·         Flashlights, lighters and matches don't just illuminate the immediate area; they illuminate you too.

·         Just because you have nearly impenetrable body armor and a hard-ass Kevlar helmet, doesn't mean you don't have exposed areas.

·         There are few times when the enemy can't hear or see you: When he's dead, you're dead, or both.

o    Addendum: When he's not there, when you're not there, or both.

·         Never cover a dead body with your own in hopes of looking like you're one of the casualties. Even using his cadaver is a stretch to avoid being shot "just in case."

·         You're only better than your enemy if you kill him first.

·         Complain about the rations all you want, but remember; they could very well be your last meal.

·         Never underestimate the ability of the brass to foul things up.

·         You have two mortal enemies in combat; the opposing side and your own rear services.

·         If you think the enemy has better artillery support and they think yours is better, you're both right.

·         Three things you’ll never see in combat: hot chow, hot showers, and an uninterrupted night's sleep.

·         "Live" and "hero" are mutually exclusive terms.

·         Don't be a hero.

·         Once you are in the fight it’s way too late to wonder if this is a good idea.

·         NEVER get into a fight without more ammunition that the other guy.

·         Decisions made by someone over your head will seldom be in your best interest.

·         Sometimes, being good and lucky still is not enough.

·         If the rear echelon troops are happy, the front line troops probably don’t have what they need.

·         If you are wearing body armor, they will probably miss that part.

·         Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.

·         Having all your body parts intact and functioning at the end of the day beats the alternative...

·         Hot garrison chow is better than hot C-rations which, in turn, are better than cold C-rations, which are better than no food at all. All of these, however, are preferable to cold rice balls, even if they do have little pieces of fish in them.

·         A free-fire zone has nothing to do with economics.

·         Medals are okay, but having your body and your friends in one piece at the end of the day’s better.

·         Being shot hurts.

·         There is only one rule in war: When you win, you get to make up the rules.

·         C4 can make a dull day fun.

·         There is no such thing as a fair fight - only ones where you win or lose.

·         If you win the battle you are entitled to the spoils. If you lose you don't care.

·         Nobody cares what you did yesterday or what you are going to do tomorrow. What is important is what you are doing NOW to solve our problem.

·         Always make sure someone has a can opener.

·         Prayer may not help… but it can't hurt.

·         Flying’s better than walking, which is better than running, which is better than crawling. All of these, however, are better than extraction by Med-Evac, even if it is, technically, a form of flying.

·         If everyone does not come home, none of the rest of us can ever fully come home either.

·         When the going gets tough, the tough go cyclic.

·         Military Intelligence is not a contradiction in terms, "Light Infantry" is!

·         Always keep one bullet in the chamber when changing your magazine.

·         If you can think clearly, know exactly what's happening, and have total control of a situation in combat, then you're not in combat.

·         When you get the coveted 1,000 yard stare, don't forget about the enemy who is 30 yards away and about to pop your ass.

·         Stay away from officers in combat; they're clever decoys for noncoms.

·         If you think you don't need something for your combat load for an OPLAN, you'll probably wish you had it after the shit hits the fan in combat.

·         Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

·         Failure of “Plan A” will directly affect your ability to carry out “Plan B.”

·         War does not determine who is right; war determines who is left.

·         An escaping soldier can be used again.

·         If you think you'll die, don't worry. You won't.

·         Near death, but still alive? There’s nothing wrong with physics. God just doesn't like you.

·         It is better to be lucky than good in the battlefield.

·         If it's worth fighting for, it's worth fighting dirty for.

·         If God wanted boots to be comfortable, he would have designed them like running shoes.

·         If you survive the extraordinary things, it will often be the little things that will kill you.

·         Give an order, and then change the order. You will get disorder.

·         You never have fire support in a heavy firefight, but you always have it on a silent recon mission.

·         Night vision - isn't.

·         Helicopter tail rotors are naturally drawn toward trees, stumps, rocks, etc. While it may be possible to ward off this event some of the time, it cannot, despite the best efforts of the crew, always be prevented. It's just what they do.

·         A helicopter’s engine RPM and the rotor RPM must BOTH be kept in the GREEN. Failure to heed this commandment can adversely affect the morale of the crew.

·         The terms “protective armor” and “helicopter” are mutually exclusive.

·         "Chicken Plates" are not something you order in a restaurant.

·         The BSR (Bang Stare Red) Law: The louder the sudden bang in the helicopter, the quicker your eyes will be drawn to the gauges. (Corollary: The longer you stare at the gauges the less time it takes them to move from green to red.)

·         Loud, sudden noises in a helicopter WILL get your undivided attention.

·         The further you fly into the mountains, the louder the strange engine noises become.

·         It is a bad thing to run out of airspeed, altitude and ideas all at the same time.

·         "Pucker Factor" is the formal name of the equation that states the more hairy the situation a helicopter is in, the more of the seat cushions will be sucked up the crew’s butts. It can be expressed in its mathematical formula of:
 S (suction) + H (height above ground) + I (interest in staying alive) + T (# of incoming tracers).
Thus, the term “SHIT!” can be used to denote a situation with a high Pucker Factor.

·         Helicopters have been described as nothing more than 50,000 parts flying in close formation. It is the mechanic’s responsibility to keep that formation as tight as possible.

·         It is mathematically impossible for either hummingbirds or helicopters to fly. Fortunately, neither are aware of this.

·         LZ's are always hot.

·         There are 'old' pilots and 'bold' pilots, but there are no 'old, bold' pilots.

·         Any helicopter pilot story that starts "There I was...” will be either true or false. Any of these stories that end with "No shit." was neither true nor false.

·         The mark of a truly superior pilot is the use of his superior judgment to avoid situations requiring the use of his superior skill.

·         CH-53's are living proof that if you strap enough engines to something it will fly.

·         Tanks draw fire. A lot of it. It does not behoove the infantryman to hide behind one.

·         If you're close enough to actually hear an tank running and not part of the crew, you're too close.

·         Heat-seeking missiles don't know the difference between friend and foe.

·         “Armor” is a fantasy invented by your CO to make you feel better.

·         Afterburners aren't.

·         Air brakes don't.

·         Your cannon will jam in combat; when you get back to base there will be nothing wrong with it.

·         You may have the better plane, but the enemy is the better pilot. (or vice versa)

·         When getting spare parts for your aircraft, you can get them CHEAP, FAST, or IN GOOD CONDITION. Pick two. (This applies to everything.)

·         Your radar will not pick up the enemy behind you or the one in the sun.

·         If you have got into the sun and are about to ambush the enemy, it will either be a trap or you'll run out of fuel.

·         Any attempt to find cover in a desert will result in failure.

·         Supply shipments at night in a desert stick out like a sore thumb.

·         Tanks should never leave the established roads.

·         Established roads are always mined.

·         Operations in daytime will cause the lesser-equipped army to win in desert combat.

·         A soldier’s effectiveness in desert combat is inversely proportional to how heavy his equipment is.

·         Any or all of the laws above.