A-Anyway, this is one such example of a gem. Back before I was 21, I was a major teetotaler. (For those of you who don't know big words, that basically means I refused to drink alcohol at all.) This was one character trait my friends found to be a tad annoying. They did respect it and all, but for me to refuse alcohol outright - especially on my 21st birthday - that was just taking it too far.
Admittedly, I also was taking it too far as well. To deny myself something because of things I've heard as opposed to me actually experiencing the "nightmares" my friends have suffered... that was kind of stupid. I figured, "Fine. We'll have one night of alcoholic debauchery." However, at the time my mind was... well, locked onto this idea that I had to stay pure and free and alcohol... that it would be for my benefit for me not to drink.
So, I decided to make a legally-binding document that would allow me to drink to my will's content without feeling guilty about any of it (yeah, as if a few pieces of paper would stop the thought of guilt). The result... was this abhorrent three-page document that "allowed" me to drink. Please feel free to laugh.
Provisional Deferment of Self-Prohibitionary Ethics
A "Legal" Way to Get Around the Moral Principles of Teetotalism
Created by Josh D. "Whitey" Blanco (jduran89@yahoo.com)
RULES VERSION 1.0a (24 JUL 2010)
ARTICLE I: TERMS AND DEFINITIONS
The following terms will be used (possibly frequently) in this document. Since the writer of this entire spiel has various meanings embedded in his head that may differ from what is used, all potentially-confusing terms will be defined here. In the event that the reader (yes, you, you idiot) does not understand the sentence, please administer a proper dosage of dictionary-bludgeoning to the head until a pulse ceases to be present on the reader in question or the magical powers that be somehow bestow increased intelligence upon the bleeding reader's brain.
Section 1: The Willing Party
The term "the willing party" refers to whoever is the primary subject of the Temporary Teetotalism Suspension contract in question.
Section 2: Teetotalers and Teetotalism
"Teetotalism" is the practice of alcohol abstinence, and a "teetotaler" is a person practicing teetotalism.
Section 3: Temporary Teetotalism Suspension (TTS)
The short-hand name for the "Provisional Deferment of Self-Prohibitionary Ethics" law – which is what this document is. Self-referential, isn't it?
Section 4: TTS Arbiter
A Temporary Teetotalism Suspension arbiter (TTS arbiter) is someone who enforces the code of the TTS. (SEE EITHER 3.1.A or ARTICLE IV.)
Section 5: If Anything Goes Wrong
Any clause related to the phrase "if anything goes wrong" assumes that the willing party or anyone else present has become incapacitated in some way and is now in some sort of life-threatening situation. In the event that this does occur, please see to it that whoever ends up in this condition is immediately restored to a stable and living condition.
ARTICLE II: TEMPORARY TEETOTALISM SUSPENSION
Section 1: "Provisional Deferment of Self-Prohibitionary Ethics" Rule Overview
The presence and presentation of both this document and a matched, fully-filled-out and signed-and-dated contract on the willing party towards two TTS arbiters allows for one legal usage of the "Provisional Deferment of Self-Prohibitionary Ethics" – shortened for the sake of brevity to the term "temporary teetotalism suspension" (TTS).
Section 2: The TTS Clause
A TTS contract "allows" a person who would normally stay away from alcohol or related substances to briefly relinquish their sobriety and partake in the consumption of alcoholic beverages for a set amount of time.
Sub-Section A: The Term "Allow"
The word "allow" in this section has been put in quotes because everyone knows that nobody will "allow" a non-drinker to not drink. Eventually, some crazy plan is set up so the non-drinker in question ends up drunk – or at the very least, tipsy. This document was produced to simply… speed up the inevitable process.
Sub-Section B: Wait, So You're Saying the Willing Party Has No Choice?
Of course not, you idiot. They never did. As the Borg from Star Trek would say: "Resistance is futile." Just let them think they have all the control in the world and that everyone's ridiculous notion to get them flat-hammered wasted will never work. But we know better, don't we?
Section 3: Allotted Time Allowed for Temporary Teetotalism Suspension
The allotted time may be set to whatever the willing party sees fit. However, if the time granted by a TTS contract totals to under 168 hours (one week), then the time granted must be in 12-hour increments (one half-day).
Sub-Section A: An Indeterminate Time Away
Should the willing party decide to put down anything related to the phrase "to be decided in the future," then the contract will automatically take effect when the willing party declares it to be activated in front of at least two TTS arbiters. Once confirmed, the TTS will be in effect for up to 60 hours (2.5 days) from the time the willing party puts his/her TTS contract in effect.
Section 4: Effective Range of a Temporary Teetotalism Suspension
As long as the TTS contract is present on or within a 100-yard radius of the willing party during the allotted time frame written down, the TTS is by all means in effect. He/she is not morally bound to uphold their teetotalism so long as they are within possession or range of a TTS contract. However, should the willing party lose custody or stray past 100 yards of the current contract they are bound to, they must be chaperoned by a TTS arbiter who is also bound to the current contract.
Section 5: Consumption Legalities (Not) Allowed
A TTS allows for the free consumption of virtually any alcoholic beverage imaginable – from the weakest of drinks (Mike's Hard Lemonade, we're looking at you) to the most insane ideas ever concocted (it is highly possible one of the appointed TTS arbiters can think of something devious). However, since the world "teetotalism" only involves "alcohol abstinence," a TTS does not enforce the free consumption or usage of any other recreational drug (legal or otherwise).
ARTICLE III: SIGNING A TEMPORARY TEETOTALISM SUSPENSION CONTRACT
Section 1: Selecting the Temporary Teetotalism Suspension Arbiters
In order to enforce the TTS contract that they are about to sign, the willing party must appoint five (5) consenting people to each be a Temporary Teetotalism Suspension arbiter (TTS arbiter) – no more, no less. (SEE ALSO 4.2.)
Sub-Section A: Who Can Be Appointed as a TTS Arbiter?
A TTS arbiter can be selected from anyone, regardless of gender, race, color, ethnic background, personal beliefs, etc. Preferably, an arbiter should be someone the willing party trusts not to screw them over.
Sub-Section B: Section A: Why Five?
Five may seem like an odd number of TTS arbiters to have, but that is why the law stipulates five: its oddness. Should they have any discrepancies over their responsibilities or if any decision requires closure by voting, then there won't be any risk of ties.
Section 2: The Signing of a TTS Contract
The signing of a TTS contract must be done at least two weeks in advance of the intended date and time that is specified on the contract.
Sub-Section A: Witnesses of the Contract Signing
During the actual signing of the TTS contract, at least three of the assigned TTS arbiters must be physically present or the TTS contract is automatically null and void.
Sub-Section B: Additional Requirements
As an addendum, the following must be done within one week of the signing of the contract or else the contract is automatically null and void:
Clause i: Signatures
All five signatures of the selected TTS arbiters. In the event that one of them is unable to physically sign for themselves, they must send their own "signature" to the willing party and another arbiter (who will verify this action on their behalf). This can be done via any form of communication – e-mail, phone call, text, etc.
Clause ii: Contract Copy
A physical copy of the completed contract must be presented and given to all five TTS arbiters. Should it prove impossible to give an arbiter a physical copy, an easily-printable electronic copy may be issued as well.
Clause iii: A Public Declaration
The willing party must also announce his/her procurement and signing of their TTS contract to their friends. Whether it be in person, on a social networking site, via Twitter, mass-text, etc., as long as the general public knows about the creation of a TTS contract and the allotted time stated within it, this requirement will be fulfilled. This is to ensure one (or all) of three things: humiliation, a sense to see their contract to the end and to let the people know that there's going to be an awesome party or night out relatively soon.
ARTICLE IV: ENFORCERS OF A TEMPORARY TEETOTALISM SUSPENSION
Section 1: Temporary Teetotalism Suspension Arbiters' Responsibilities
A TTS arbiter will uphold the regulations of the Temporary Teetotalism Suspension and enforce it to the letter of the law upon the willing party they are currently assigned to. Their role as an arbiter is a binding deal that legally lasts until the expiration of the TTS contract. Should a person wish to remain as the willing party's TTS arbiter, they may choose to do so until death, retirement, or they are selected again for another contract.
Sub-Section A: The "Golden Lasso" Clause
While a TTS contract is in effect, anytime the willing party asks an arbiter a question in relation to alcohol, they must respond as truthfully as possible. For example, questions related to drink content and tastes must be answered, but things involving how many drinks a TTA arbiter's significant other has just heaved up are a no-no.
Sub-Section B: The "Damage Control" Clause
While it may be fun to see someone drink themselves to a drunken stupor, TTS arbiters were picked so that the willing party does not have to endure with something horrible after their memory blacks out. If at least two arbiters put in a motion that the willing party has gone out of line with their drinking, they must put an effort to stop them.
Sub-Section C: The "Involuntary Chaos Prevention" Clause
While a TTS contract is in effect, all arbiters must refrain from spiking any and all beverages that the willing party will consume. They must also ensure that nobody else does as well.
Sub-Section D: Incapacitation
If for any reason the willing party is incapacitated, then a TTS arbiter must be at their side unless their current state of incapacitation is confirmed to be safe (such as sleeping with absolutely zero risk of sleep-puking, or under "stable" care in the hospital). Otherwise, they must stay by their side until they revert to a safe form of incapacitation or regain consciousness. The willing party put their trust in the arbiter to take care of them if something went wrong, so technically, an unwilling incapacitation could qualify as something "going wrong."
Sub-Section E: The Safe Journey Home
Unless the drinking locale is the willing party's intended place of residence (for the night), at least one arbiter must have provided a designated driver to offer them home in advance.
Section 2: Who Can Be Appointed as a TTS Arbiter?
(AS STATED IN 3.1A) A TTS arbiter can be selected from anyone, regardless of gender, race, color, ethnic background, personal beliefs, etc. Preferably, an arbiter should be someone the willing party trusts not to screw them over.
Sub-Section A: Voice(s) of Reason
It is heavily advised (but not necessary) that at least two of the selected arbiters are "voices of reason" amongst their personal friend group. This gives the reluctant-but-willing side of the willing party a chance not to be completely inebriated and for the group of arbiters to actually not be one-sided about an issue.
Sub-Section B: Alcohol Promoter(s)
Likewise, it is also heavily advised (but also not necessary) that at least two of the other selected arbiters are… (for lack of a better term:) "alcohol promoters." While the voices of reason fight to make sure control of the willing party's alcohol consumption is kept, the alcohol promoters' agenda is the opposite, and is present so the group of arbiters is not one-sided about an issue.
Sub-Section C: The Impartial One
To round off the group, it is heavily advised (and again, not necessary) that the remaining TTS arbiter is impartial to either train of thought. They are there to essentially break a tie and either please or piss off the willing party with their suggestions.
Sub-Section D: Mix and Match
The above sub-sections suggest having the group of TTS arbiters consist of two voices of reason, two alcohol promoters, and one impartial person. However, for the sake of reality, any one TTS arbiter can be any and all of these roles at once (due to a shortage of voices of reason incurred since the start of the 21st century). And also for the sake of hilarity, it is recommended that the five can team up with only one objective in mind: to get the willing party as shit-faced as possible (within reason) without incurring death or a hospital trip.
You think that's bad? I even made an actual page for me and any overseers to sign. I was this crazy about not wanting to drink.
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| I'm not joking. |
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