An Old List

Because I can't think of anything better to place on here (and because I thought I could come up with something to write the moment I got home tonight... look how well that went), I decided to look through my computer in search of something silly. Lo and behold: I found this old list (dated to 2007) of silly Murphy's laws that involve (online) gaming somehow. Hehehe...

Now, not all of this is mine - some of this is classic "Murphy's Laws of the Military," but that doesn't stop it from applying to video games (especially shooters). I touched bases with a decent amount of genres (from what I'm reading, at least), so there should be something to amuse the gamer in you. Enjoy...?

Murphy’s Laws of (Online) Gaming

By: Josh D. “Whitey” Blanco (jduran89)

·         The distance to an item is proportional to how much you need it.

• Addendum: In an RPG, said item is usually the item you recently discarded.

·         Lag-free servers – aren’t.

·         The scariest thing in an FPS: a newbie with a weapon of mass destruction.

·         The scariest thing in an RTS: two-minute rushes.

·         Splash damage ain’t neutral.

·         The bad thing about strategy is that nobody knows what that is.

·         n00bs & newbs = cannon fodder. It’s a given.

·         The real reason people call others hackers is because they’re not as skilled as the “hackers.”

·         One-vs-ones are (usually) either matches between friends or a pro-vs-newb fight.

·         A vehicle’s maneuverability and speed is inversely proportional to its armor and firepower.

·         Lag spikes always hit at the most inopportune time.

·         Extremely annoying bosses (in an RPG) continuously pull heals / heal moves outta their asses.

·         Land forces (in a strategy game) don’t really work well on an island map.

·         The guy in that shooter game who seemingly knows where everyone is at any given moment is most likely a bot.

·         Bots in shooter games seem to have wall-hacks.

·         For every person who’s fair and plays by the rules, there are at least ten people who don’t.

·         Grenades aren’t neutral.

·         No matter how good your camping spot is, eventually, you’ll either be melee’d in the back or killed by a grenade.

·         The best strategies are usually those employed by newbs.

·         Invisibility / Stealth Camouflage is ineffective when it comes to explosives.

·         Grenadiers + Infinite Grenades / Explosives = Mass Destruction.

·         Bored? Explosives make everything fun!

• Addendum: Infinite explosives are even better!

·         Internationally-played games (particularly games from Asia) tend to have the following people dispersed throughout their servers at any given moment: one player fluent only in Spanish / Portuguese who annoys the hell out of the others by repeatedly typing / saying “Jajaja,” one player speaking “Singlish,” a French player who is unanimously hated (because the player’s French), and an extreme nationalist insulting everyone else in the server for no reason (who usually hails from a predominantly English-speaking country such as America).

·         One accidental TK usually gets you kicked from the server. No questions asked.

·         That diversion the enemy team sent that you later ignored is really their main attack force.

·         Time spent leveling up (in any RPG) is proportional to how much you underestimate the enemy.

·         The amount of time spent boasting is proportional to how bad your ass gets handed to you.

·         The strongest characters (in an RPG) tend to be defeated by the simplest of attacks / spells.

·         Leet-Speak WILL be present. Deal with it, j00 n00b.

·         AIs are predictable; it’s the humans that are dangerous.

·         In a WWII shooter, professional German clans tend to play as the Allies.

·         The effectiveness of the “spray-and-pray” tactic is inversely proportional to the skill of the player employing the “spray-and-pray.”

·         After buying an item, you will either find the same one in another area (often cheaper if not free) or you will find a better item for a bit higher price.

·         For every positive improvement in a patch / update, there is (almost) always one thing that got nerfed that makes the update in question “bad.”

·         MP / Ammo always runs out when you need it.

·         Dial-up KILLS an online game.

·         Random battles are just that – random.

·         The value of the items received after a fight is inversely proportional to how much one fights.

·         If there’s a server with over 10 people and everyone’s having fun, then one of these events happens:

• A player joins and does something that gets said player ganged up on and hated.
• Someone with dial-up joins and makes the latency spike up from 150 to 3000.
• The server host lags out and the game stops.

·         The person with the top score in a shooter game is either very skilled… or is armed with a n00b-stick.

·         What is considered illegal in de facto law is actually permitted (somewhat) in professional tourneys.

·         The enemy attacks on two occasions: when they’re ready and when you’re not.

·         When playing team games, there will usually be someone who forgets to type in the team channel.

·         No matter how pro you are, there will ALWAYS be someone higher who considers you as a n00b.

·         Every group of five servers has the following:

• An empty server, or one with bots only.
• A normal game with less that six people.
• A server with high latency.
• A server with some person who’s just owning.
• A server infested with n00bs / hackers.

·         Aeris is dead. Get over it.

·         The time it takes for you to realize you should escape from the fight is proportional to how much damage you’ve taken as well as how much ammo / items you’ve already used up.

·         Enemies never appear until you reload / retreat.

·         A weapon’s power is inversely proportional to how often you find it and how fast it reloads. In the case of shotguns, its power is inversely proportional to its range.

·         There will often be a jackass in a team game that disavows his/her orders. Consequently, this player is often tasked a crucial role in the game (sniper, base defense, anti-rush, etc.).

·         If you’re prepared for every possible scenario, there will be one you overlooked and it will be employed by your enemy.

·         Everything goes wrong all at once.

·         Newbs: a pro’s Kryptonite.

·         If you develop a stupid plan that lets you win, it ain’t stupid, now, is it?

·         A fortified front in an RTS is a magnet to offensive attacks.

·         The moment you believe everything’s hunky-dory is the moment you’re attacked.

·         It only becomes worse when you respond to your teammate’s “need backup” request.

·         The length of a game is proportional to the amount of time you’ve been playing it.

·         If your advance is going really, really well, chances are you’re headed into an ambush.

·         The number of enemies you encounter is inversely proportional to the following:

• The amount of health / ammo you have
• Your current weapon’s strength
• How many allies are there to back you up on the spot

·         Good teammates leave.

·         Invisibility / Stealth camouflage stops working the moment you need it.

·         Any additional resources (in an RTS) tend to be somewhere behind enemy lines.

·         There’s no such thing as a perfect plan.

·         Keep your allies close. It gives your enemies someone else to attack.

·         An explosive weapon’s devastation is proportional to how many victims it hits.

·         Defensive lines and ambush points always get bypassed.

·         Hearing or seeing full-auto fire means one of three things:

• Their target is too close to miss.
• They’re panicking.
• They’re a n00b.

·         Popular camping spots attract heavy firepower.

·         A sniper rifle’s accuracy is proportional to how skilled the player is with aiming.

·         The easy path is always booby-trapped.

·         Want fireworks? Use a nuke.

·         The most satisfying thing in CS is when you see the AWPer who’s looking at you miss.

·         If you’ve survived an ambush, something’s wrong.

·         Letting the enemy escape death / defeat is a bad thing. Often times they come back at the most inopportune time with better weaponry or a stronger attack force.

·         Escaping death from the most powerful of weapons / attacks usually calls for a final blow from a pathetic weapon, move, or a scouting party.

·         If you get body armor, the enemy will aim more for your head and limbs.

·         Expensive units in an RTS are usually the first to go.

·         A transport convoy (in an RTS) is an instant magnet for a massive hit-and-run. Generally, the enemy seems to always nail the ones carrying valuable units or a good chunk of your forces.

·         When you call for backup, your allies will arrive when one of the following happens:

• You’re dead / defeated.
• The enemy disappears and your teammates believe you’re crying wolf.

·         A battlefield’s size is directly proportional to how much enemy contact you’ll receive.

·         Three traits apply to practically any given unit in an RTS: quick production speed, heavy firepower, and affordability. Unfortunately, each unit decides to dump one or two of these traits.

·         A battle strategy’s effectiveness is inversely proportional to its popularity.

·         MMOs are good at one thing: leeching money.

·         One invisible / stealth camouflaged person can cause havoc to an entire team.

·         When in doubt of campers, throw grenades.

·         Rushers (in shooters games) attract snipers. Particularly good ones.

·         Snipers aim for two things: an enemy’s head, and wounded foes. Don’t be the latter; it’s a huge target.

·         Charging ahead of your teammates during an offensive usually results in you dying from friendly fire.

·         If spawn points are random and vehicles are lying about, you can always assume that a sniper’s guarding them.

·         There’s never any ammo for your current weapon.

·         Flashbangs usually go off on three occasions:

• When you don’t want them to.
• When you least expect it.
• When you didn’t know your fellow teammate bought one.

·         That flashbang that blinded you was probably thrown by someone on your side (or yourself).

·         A weapon’s size is inversely proportional to its effectiveness in CQB.

·         A player’s skill is inversely proportional to their friendliness.

• Addendum: Their skill is also inversely proportional to how short a fuse they have.

·         Your weapon / attack force usually can’t deal with the problem opponent.

• Corollary: When you switch weapons / units, the problem opponent has found a way to make your modification fruitless.

·         For every perimeter defense line there is an offensive force that will usually have more than enough units to overrun it.

·         Your enemies always get points for your accidental suicides.

·         The moment something really bad happens in an FPS (such as a sniper ambush or a tank assault) is the moment you realize you either don’t have the necessary weapon to counter with or it’s out of ammo.

·         Your spawning weapon does not work in your current situation.

·         Explosive weapons love to spawn in enclosed areas.

·         No matter how well you’re in cover, a bullet somehow finds its way through to hit you.

·         The units who die first are usually vital in the next attack.

·         The amount of HP remaining on any given unit / person is inversely proportional to how much they’re attacked.

·         The healer is usually the one killed / KOed first. Don’t be the healer.

·         What one usually says / types after being killed usually has either “WTF,” “OMG,” or “n00b” in it.

·         In a single-player campaign, the most useless item / weapon / unit tends to be the most vital when unexpected, especially in extremely hard difficulties (such as the Needler in “Halo”).

·         Things Zerg players in SC are good at: rushing, Zerglings, Ultralisks, and suicide bombers.

·         Things Terran SC players like: nukes, Firebats, Siege Tanks, and Battlecruisers.

·         Things Protoss SC players enjoy: Archons, Carriers, and hallucinations.

·         Unless you’re playing a long game on a resource-rich map in SC, that really large aerial fleet your Protoss enemy sent you will most likely be two Carriers and 18 hallucinations.

·         Successful one-shot no-scoping with a sniper rifle requires one of two things: luck… or an aimbot.

·         Anything you do can get you killed, including doing nothing.

·         Powerful things are n00b-magnets.

·         Picked-up weapons in shooters tend to have little or no ammo in them.

·         Spawn points (for anything) attract snipers.

·         No matter what your allies say, they don’t have your back.

·         Checkpoints, when needed most, never appear until you’re low on health / ammo.

·         Lone snipers end up dying. Rogues end up being the last team member alive. Henceforth, it is safe to assume that as long as you don’t have a sniper rifle when you’re alone, then chances of you dying are relatively less.

·         Character sheets can be organized, complete, and readable. Pick two.

·         CS weapons can be powerful, accurate, or low-priced. Pick two.

·         Virtually every video game character, no matter how cool or bad-ass they are, has an aspect they can and will be ridiculed with to no end.

• Exception: Unless they’re not well-known.

·         If an argument starts, the amount of time spent quarrelling is inversely proportional to the importance of the subject being fought over.

·         Any and all jokes will be misunderstood, ignored, clues, or just plain missed.

·         The sniper that killed you from that one camping spot wasn’t there five seconds ago when you looked.

·         In any Half-Life game or mod, the more alluring a player’s spray decal is, the more people will stand still and gawk at it. Generally, this tactic is employed by snipers guarding choke points.

·         The AWPer in CS tends to show up somewhere in your offensive route.

• Addendum: If he isn’t, then he’s probably switched tactics by using the n00b-cannon.

·         The odds of a person switching sides are proportional to how much their team’s getting owned.

·         One unit is bad enough, but two’s just too many.

·         Quitters never win, and winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots.

·         The bomb you’re defusing will usually explode just a half-second before you’re finished defusing.

·         Anything that can be whored, will.

·         Suppressive fire – doesn’t.

• Exception: Except when the enemy isn’t there.

·         In CS, no matter how thin the wall / door, the shotguns can never seem to pierce through it.

·         The last place you look is where the sniper is usually positioned.

• Corollary: When looking though the “last places,” the sniper is in the “first place.”

·         Healing points in the average RPG tend to be located in places where you don’t need them. When you do need them, they’ll be on the farthest point in the world conceivable, and when you do arrive, they tend to charge more money than what you have on hand.

·         When in doubt, empty your magazine.

·         In the Halo series, the target of your Plasma Grenade tends to be magnetically attracted to you.

·         What earns you a victory in one battle will be your downfall in the next.

·         The less you bag on someone PKing n00bs, the better chance you’ll get times.

·         If people attack you and they continuously keep missing, the moment you declare that you’re invincible is the moment you get hit.

·         Whenever you turn a sharp corner, a shotgun barrel is always waiting to say hi.

·         Getting melee’d usually translates to “You suck.”

·         Getting a melee kill means one of three things:

• You’re extremely skilled and they suck.
• They never saw you.
• Your target was AFK.

·         No matter what the rules are, kill the AFKers. Chances are, if you leave them alone, they’ll eventually trap you at some point.

·         A player’s online skill is inversely proportional to their real life strength.

·         Wireless objects run out of juice at the most inopportune time.

·         The chances of you involuntary spray-and-praying is inversely proportional to how much ammo you got and how much health remains.

·         When you got plenty of ammo, you never seem to miss. When you’re running low, you can’t hit the broad side of a barn.

·         Odd objects attract attacks. You are odd.

·         Victory chants and deathmatch don’t mix.

·         According to FPS Doug, “Everyone runs fast with a knife!”

·         The chances of you winning a rare item is inversely proportional to how good the item is.

·         Walking point = sniper bait.

·         There are few times when the enemy can't hear or see you: When he's dead, you're dead, or both.

• Addendum: When he's not there, when you're not there, or both.

·         Once you’re in a fight, it’s way too late to wonder if this was a good idea.

·         Failure of “Plan A” will directly affect your ability to carry out “Plan B.”

·         The DM is always cheating.

·         If the DM is improvising the stats of the enemy/enemies you’re currently facing, no matter what you roll, the opponent will always out-stat you.

·         If the DM knows anything about VG Cats, he will kill you if you even mention wanting a rat-flail.

·         There’s never any resources when you need it.