A Good January End

Today felt like a good day overall. A good day at work, a good day at the movies with Wendy, and a really good Star Wars movie.

I'd talk more, but the excitement over my expectations being achieved (and then some) threw me on overload.

Pain in Two

I find it funny how my recent bout of depression was unknowingly self-inflicted.

No, I'm not talking about "controlling my emotions" or making sure that "my emotions don't get the better of me." Not that motivational crap. I'm talking about doing something minor almost three years ago that added up to where I'm at.

I recently filed my tax return this year, and for the first time in my life, I owed money to the government. For the last few years or so, my tax returns have been dreadfully abysmal. Years ago, I was getting four digits back total (four from the federal return and a few hundred extra from the state), but with the last three years I was getting drastically less and less.

And now I owe.

At first I thought it was due to my job. Tips can add up and they can affect taxes if you get too much, but I usually don't get that much. (Not like someone would tip me ten grand like those random diner waitresses you hear about in the news occasionally.) But after checking in with a consultant and re-doing the math, that wasn't it. Then I thought it was my earnings, which were far more substantial than what I was earning back at my old job. Then I took a look at my pay stub, and I found out why it felt like the government was financially frakking me senseless.

I CLAIMED "TWO" ON MY W-4.

*headdesk*

The moral of the story, everyone? Make sure you file your paperwork correctly the first time.

Two Hurts Too Much

It's amazing how fast a day can go from "utterly fantastic" to "abysmally dreary." All it took was two dollars, too.

Aches Gone and New

The last two days felt like they were worth it. I got to hang out with people; I made plans to do more things over the next few days; I got some much-needed level-grinding done in Persona 4; I got to relax and not have to worry about one damn thing. I missed having two days off in a row, because there's nothing quite as refreshing. (Except maybe a three-day weekend, but that's a whole 'nother ball game right there.)

And with that, my weekend comes to a close as I prepare myself to go to sleep, wake up, and head back to work. I'm not dreading it so much as groaning and moaning, but hey - that's what I do. I got some errands to run as well tomorrow afternoon, so maybe that's why I'm bellyaching so much. The little energy I'll have left from work will most likely be spent on my chores and, well... at least I got that going for me.

I think I had something planned for tomorrow...

Nighter

There are some nights where I wish I was restless enough to stay up and work on things. As a former night owl, that was where I worked the best. My finals in high school, a long night of building things with Lego, some session in World of Warcraft where I told myself "Just a few more levels..." - things like that were when I would operate the best. Somehow, I was able to focus all my energy in that one night, fall asleep at around 0600, and then wake up midday feeling like I accomplished something.

Now... not so much. Working morning shifts have entirely mucked up that opportunity. I'm too exhausted from work to usually do so, and said exhaustion usually means I'm just on autopilot for the hours after I get off. Sure, I could try to pull an all-nighter on my days off, but it doesn't feel the same. Something about crunching in whatever work (or "work") needs to be done in a set morning deadline usually feels... right to me.

I want to figure out how to get that back - or at the very least, re-adjust myself so that I can still get that feeling with my "work in the morning" routine.

Sleeping Start

Finally... after a lot of work and a lot of days spent doing a lot of work, I'm rewarded with two days off in a row. I haven't had that in a while - it's basically my own free little weekend of sorts.

Yes, I know - it's the middle of the week, but any time I get two days off in a row is a blessing. I get time to recuperate and figure out what I'm going to do to relax my physically weary self. Do I hang out with friends? Do I spend time by myself working on personal projects? Do I veg out, lose track of time, and use that as a way to subconsciously recover? Do I combine those ideas, or do I try something I haven't thought of yet? The next two days are my oyster.

Of course, trying to put all these plans into action is going to be tough, because I need some sleep. Like, right frakking now. So I'm going to turn in and then see what the morning brings me.

Auto-Sleepless

This weird pseudo-insomnia's back, and it's not letting me relax the way I'd like to relax. Not enough sleep at once, not enough energy spent working on things... not enough, not enough. Normally, I'd be okay with being like this - I get to work on personal things every so often, and in the past, I'd still have enough energy for the rest of the day.

Not this time, though. I don't have the youthfulness I did back then, and I'm sure I didn't have as much pressure to be successful as I do now. Less responsibilities, too - man, I sure had it easy back then. The worst part is that I'm hurting on sleep, and I'm sure I'm going to pay for it in the long run. For now, though, I'll just have to take this in stride and figure out a way for me to be able to work (my brain tends to be on autopilot while I'm awake in the night hours, and my body can't seem to go back to sleep no matter what I try).

Maybe I should invest in the occasional catnap. Sounds like a perfectly acceptable idea for right now.

Maddening States

I'm not entirely sure what to make of those moments when both fatigue and insomnia hit you at the same time. Periods of blissful sleep are punctuated between moments of mind-wiping terror over how you can't stay asleep. It's nothing but maddening, and sometimes, there's no real cure.

I seem to be getting my fair share of that lately. No, it's not because high levels of caffeine have been reintroduced into my system. No, it's not severe anxiety over some big project or evaluation or upcoming event. Heck, it's not even due to my alarm being set all weird every other day.

It's probably just some weird little... tic, for lack of a better word. I call it that because the last time I was stuck in this weird nighttime "limbo" was years ago (as in "around 2010"). The fun thing was that last time, I was able to get a few things done. That last time, I remember being "productive" with by working on a then-new Lego project and going through episodes of whatever new anime series came out then.

That was then and this is now. As I'm older than I was that last time, I've realized that as this tic is just starting up, I might as well work on something and make good use of the time.

But what?

Processing

I get so caught up in what I'm doing sometimes that I forget about all other things. But sometimes, getting caught up in whatever I'm doing gives me time to come up with something so awesome I just have to focus.

Keep it moving!

And when that happens, I just need time to process it all... get it unpacked from my mind and into something more physical, metaphorically speaking. I'm going to keep doing that while I sleep tonight. And then I'm going to wake up, go to work, come home, and figure out how this all plays out.

Sleepy Realization

Today's one of those days where I somehow got sapped of all my energy, despite not having done much apart from working.

That's probably not a good thing. I have projects I want to take care of and work on, shows I need to watch, and music I need to listen to. There's so much on my plate I need to take in and so little time for me to work on anything before the fatigue sets in. It's maddening for me, because I won't want to deal with being tired. (Sleep may be for the dead, but geez - it sure does interfere with the living a lot.)

What's worse is those times when the fatigue sets in much earlier than usual. The events that play out on those days (today included) usually don't add up. This leads me to ask myself one question: how in the world did I get so damn tired so early?

...

I think I should schedule a vacation for myself one of these days.

Minor Completion

Every once in a while a seemingly minor difference ends up making a much bigger impact than expected.

I had an experience like that today. I was making a few tweaks to one of my "completed" Lego projects when I realized that I needed to add something on to it. A rather minor detail that I thought would be a nice addition to the overall model. So I spent a few hours tinkering around with it, and before I knew it...

...I ended up with something that I can finally call a "complete" model. An actual complete model - one that will only be tweaked if I'm doing a photo shoot and need to change a few details between photos - or in this particular model's case: when I'm showing differences between models.

That doesn't sound confusing at all, so I'll just leave this be and let some future photos and entries do the talking someday.

Impulsed

I always hate it when an item is on sale when I'm broke. It's life's way of taunting my wallet and my finances. It sits on the shelf for a day or two, taunting me with its reduced price that I previously begged for sometime in the past when I casually said I wanted the price to go down. Then it does go down - right when I have nothing but my gasoline ration money left in my bank account.

Then comes the heart-wrenching moment where my finances go back up. I pull out my card, ready to make my purchase, and one of two things will happen thereafter:

1. The sale will have ended.
2. The item in question is out of stock.

It's a sad and depressing moment for me, but then I end up spotting something else that's not as cool, but cool enough for me to forget my "depression."

Yes, I am a pretty bad impulse buyer. I can contain myself at times, but for the most part, it's usually "goodbye, hard-earned cash" within five minutes of spotting something I want. Which is why I need to either win the lottery (so I can sate my impulse-buying nature) or somehow acquire all the toys in the world that I could possibly ever want.

Is that too much?

Late-Night Realization

I'm about to scare myself senseless with the following sentence: I need to organize my stuff.

I'm not just talking about the catastrophic mess of a nuclear waste disposal facility called Shadow Moses Island my room, but some other things in the digital realms. User accounts, passwords, old websites I used to frequent that need to be updated - that sort of stuff. I need to be able to find out what I have and easily access everything - both in the real world and in the digital.

Of course, a realization like that this late at night? Well, snickerdoodles - I'm not cleaning at night! I'm too tired to do such a thing! I'll work on that sometime tomorrow.

...that's assuming I don't get tired of this five minutes in.

Triumph Elsewhere

You know, when you lose track of time on your off-day to do things that weren't initially part of the plan, it can go one of two ways.

There's the route that leaves you grimacing over how you wasted the time on "doing nothing" instead of "being productive." You had a set schedule where you were going to do certain things at various times, and if everything went according to plan you'd be a much better person for it. Of course, it didn't go to plan, and so there you are - wondering what the heck happened while you find yourself still at square one.

And then there's the route that has you thinking, "It's still a day well-spent." Sure, your original plan got thrown out the window - but you still had fun doing whatever it was that wasn't on the itinerary. You could be a day behind now, but you ended up in a more relaxed state - and depending on what it was you wound up doing instead, possibly ahead in another task you wanted to pull off on another day.

Shut-Eye Time

After days of work, it's always nice to get a night off so I can focus on fun activities without the interruption of sleep.

Years ago, that would have been a true statement, but now... not so much. I don't know whether to attribute this to my schedule forcing me out of my natural night-owl tendencies or the fact that I'm getting older. Either way, it's terrible - I used to be so active in the night hours and practically non-existent in the morning ones. Times have changed - and so has my schedule.

Nevertheless, it's good to be able to not have to worry about waking up early for work tomorrow. I can wake up and know that I can fall back asleep if I wanted to (and I usually do). I'll be looking forward to that tomorrow morning - I could use some extra shut-eye.

And who knows? Since I have the day off, maybe I'll work on something.

Social Creatures

Running into people you haven't seen in forever can be a good thing sometimes. It allows you to catch up on old times and keeps you up to date on people's lives. For someone like me, who ends up hiding in a hole for a while, this is a must - otherwise I'll go insane from the solitariness.

I don't exactly do this by choice. I mean, I have days where I just keep to myself and other days where I just have to be with people. On the days I'm solitary, I'm usually caught up in something. It's usually not a top priority, but it has my attention on tight lockdown and it takes a good deal of persuasion to get me to actually stop and focus on something else.

That's what the last few days have felt like lately after I get home from work. I'm generally too fatigued to do anything awesome, so I just let my brain go on autopilot and just casually do stuff that amuses me until I fall asleep or I get distracted by something else. Of course, I can only do this so long before I want any kind of social contact... and I think now's a good a time as any to do so.

Don't Do It

I feel like I'm regressing. I told myself I wouldn't this time - it's a new year, and so I'd expect a fresh start for myself. It's kind of like a new year's resolution. So why the heck am I feeling like I'm already defeating myself only a few weeks in?

Then a thought occurred to me: I'm finding writing to be a chore.

That would probably be the worst thing that could happen for someone like me. I like writing. I used to do it a lot during high school. Sure, it was a little more dramatic and depressing (I was... "emotional," to say the least - but wasn't everyone in high school emotional at some point?) - but at least I was able to get my fingers moving about on the keyboard...

Now? It feels like a struggle.

Blurred Together

There's some days where the minutes and hours feel like they're blurring together. Today's one of those days. You get bad news and all of a sudden, it's a week later. Call it "going on autopilot" or "not knowing what day it is" - all of a sudden you're hit with whatever realization you originally "forgot" about.

There's also some days where reality suddenly feels like a dream and vice versa. You can't tell if you're awake or not, and often you'll find yourself wondering if you're going to wake up from a nightmare that feels all too real.

The Matrix aside, today felt like one of those days, because it's only just now that I woke up. Kind of scary, really, because most of the day just zipped by waiting for me to notice. Eventually I'll be able to pick myself back from where I came from.

Gaming On

Spending a day relaxing and playing some video games I haven't played in a while is a good thing. At first it may seem as though I spent the day doing nothing productive - and from a certain standpoint, it is. However, doing so has cleared my mind and it has me itching to write something.

Maybe I'll actually keep working on that Nuzlocke post I said I'd be doing. Maybe I'll work on another entry that talks about something else. Hell, maybe I'll just keep playing games and figure something else out.

Who knows? The future's not written in stone, and the world is my rather-local-yet-still-large oyster. For now, I think I'm going to go back to dusting off games I haven't played in a while. South Park: The Stick of Truth seems like an excellent choice, and I'll just go ahead and load up my file now.

Deadlined

As a writer, deadlines are something I have a love-hate relationship with.

On one hand, it gives me a rather large sense of dread. The pressure of finishing a project by a certain time and date or else someone in the world will hate you? *shivers* Kill me now. It makes the professional writers look terrible and the amateur ones like myself unreliable - but it makes all of us want to just procrastinate even more for some odd reason. (Which, admittedly, is why you're seeing this entry as opposed to the Nuzlocke one that was supposed to be here.)

On the other, deadlines are a bit of a boon. Some of us (not just writers) somehow work better with a dooming countdown hovering over our heads. The pressure forces the brain into overdrive, and the distractions somehow give way to new ideas that can be fleshed out and worked on. (Which, admittedly, is why you're also seeing this entry as opposed to the Nuzlocke.)

I had a breakthrough with one of these ideas that popped out while getting hit with the pressure, and I somehow worked on that instead. It's a blessing and a curse. I get to have a complimentary project started up that will go well with one of my other mini-projects... but at the same time I didn't write. *shakes head* It's just great knowing that I'm still in the middle no matter what I do, but at least I haven't gone any lower.

Anyway, this entry exists to remind myself that deadlines are both good and bad and that I don't have to fear them. Sure, once in a while they're necessary - and sure, they're something I'll definitely avoid completing over the rest of my life - but they're a bit of a motivational drive for me. Just because I don't finish whatever project by whatever time doesn't mean I've wasted my time completely.

Of course, doing so wastes your time, but that's another story. *laughs*

No Third Charm

I don't get it. I spend all of yesterday psyching myself to get things done. I get most of the night squared away and about 98% of the prep-work completed. Writing something today should have been a snap, and yet... I managed to achieve very little.

*shakes head* Somehow I saw this coming. I don't know if this is extremely poor time management skills or me getting distracted like crazy all the time, but I think I need to find a way to focus. While that may not seem possible due to my potential ADHD (I say "potential" because I show symptoms but I never officially had myself checked) or because I placed way too much on my plate, I know there has to be a way.

Also, on an unrelated-but-possibly-related note: stomachache from eating too much. This might have been a driving factor in my evening lethargy in regards to writing. Damn you, Past Josh.

You think that's bad? Give me an hour and tell me to stay on TV Tropes. When you come back, there'll be four windows open with an average of at least 20 tabs each (of which maybe 40% are for TV Tropes), about three other programs running in the background (not counting WinAmp), and at least one YouTube video that's three clicks away from the music video for Vat19's Das Beer Boot.

Anyway, I'm afraid I'm going to have to delay myself yet again. (At least I'm trying not to give you lame entries like the last few years. This actually has a lot of words on it.) Consider the above photo as proof that I am working on it (although you can see with the tabs on those two windows that I was pretty distracted). If I can get myself into gear, we'll see about finishing it by tomorrow night.

Sideways

Okay, so I lied. It's not up today because I got super-distracted - both at work and at home. As such, it's not at the quality level I'd like for it to be in, and I don't feel like showing you something crappy that could've been better. Of course, that's not what you're thinking. Your line of thoughts look more like this:

--- --- ---

YOU:
Where's the entry? You said you had the entry!

ME:
Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Since I have said that, I can see how you would think that.

YOU:
Where is it?

ME:
Uh... tomorrow. Come back tomorrow and then I will again have the entry. Yes.

--- --- ---

Seriously, though: would you rather see a half-assed entry, or a full-assed one that actually has some merit to it? Personally, I'd like the latter - it's more fun.

(Also, if anyone sees the reference I made: kudos to you! Two Internet points for you!)

Preparing a Start

I'm going to use today to get prepared for tomorrow's entry. Now, normally that would just look like I'm being a big pile of lazy bones, but I have a valid reason for this. Remember that ridiculous post I made a few days ago when I talked about that blind Nuzlocke I started on Black Version 2? Welp, this is going to be one of my ongoing projects... meaning this will be an interesting series I'll be posting on here!

Of course, you probably don't believe me, so I guess you'll have to come back tomorrow and see for yourself who my starter Pokémon is and what rules I'll be setting for myself!

In Search of a Name

Any writer who says "writing is easy" is either a savant or a liar. There's always some kind of struggle present in their work process. For some, they're able to overcome their struggle and come out on top. Others will flail around and admit defeat after what seems like an eternity for them. As for a select few, they'll purposefully drown themselves in their problems and somehow use the experience as a motivator.

Of course, the problems a writer faces will vary from person to person, and they may change with each new project. For me, my dilemma seems to be in the initial phases of the project - the part where the sparks ignite a warming fire. The weird thing is that I somehow have the fire going, but I have no spark. (I know that doesn't make any sense.)

Coming up with ideas for something to write about is a tall order for someone like me. I've been out of the writing game for a while now, and it's pretty intimidating to turn this blank text box into a whole mish-mash of words that somehow form a coherent blog entry. Sometimes I can pull it off. Sometimes I'm able to create something out of thin air and make it look like I gave it plenty of forethought. And sometimes I just fib something lame and call it a day.

Of course, when the thing that needs to be created is the name of something, that's a different matter entirely. I have a few Lego models to name, and I have zero idea what to name them, so I won't display them until I can think of something.

Taking the Black: A Nuzlocke Prologue

Nuzlocke runs are the Pokémon games' version of your local dominatrix. Apart from turning an already fun series into something out of the bowels of Hell, it's a great way to get into the psyche and mindset of the persons involved. It binds you into a routine that has you pulling your hair out of sheer agony, yet at the same time leaves you begging for more pain.

However, there's one glaring difference between a Nuzlocke run and a domme. One has you tied up against your wishes (even though you wanted it to begin with) and proceeds to put you through a session so blisteringly painful you wish you set up a safe word beforehand. The other is a dominatrix.

Lame bait-and-switch joke aside, I've played a few Nuzlockes (my first two are still ongoing as of this day). I've suffered minimal casualties on those runs (so far *crosses fingers*), and it helps that the games I'm running in - X and Omega Ruby - are games I've technically played before (via Y and Ruby respectively). Thing is, I don't think I fully appreciate the serious business that Nuzlockes are supposed to generate. And like a certain father voiced by Mark Hamill once said, "[I] will learn respect, and suffering will be [my] teacher." (Cue scar being made on the wrong side.)

Just hit "A" already...

This is why I'm going to start a blind Nuzlocke run on Pokémon: Black Version 2. Before I begin the prologue though, I think I need to explain a few things. I'm pretty sure I have so, considering that the average stranger probably has no idea what any part of that first sentence even means. So, we'll take a quick musical break and I'll explain both myself and those words above in greater detail in a bit.

A Preview of a Journey

Something's going to show up tomorrow on here!

You want proof? You can't handle the proof!

Come back tomorrow and you'll see that I'm not lying!

The Infancy of Infantry

Any decent military-minded person will tell you that infantry is one of the most important (if not the most important) resources of winning wars. There are some who would say otherwise and claim things like artillery, logistics, naval and air supremacy, or armour are paramount. The artillery can soften up the enemy forces; the supply officers can make sure the troops are well-supplied; the navy can control the sea and air routes; the armoured divisions can sweep across the battlefield and outflank the enemy.

However, without infantry, I believe all of the above are moot points. Well-entrenched soldiers on the ground can hunker down and keep casualties from artillery strikes to a minimum. Even if they're undersupplied, a well-trained grunt will keep the fight going in whatever way he or she can. The navies and air forces can sweep the seas and skies but they may miss a hidden trooper who can alert the rest of his/her forces. Armour can take on most ground threats, but the moment they run out of fuel or are surrounded, all the infantry has to do is bring in a cheap anti-armour weapon or shove grenades into the hatches.

As a U.S. Navy brat, it almost feels wrong for me to admit to preferring the typical (army) foot soldier over a navy's sailors, but the ocean can't sustain life on a grand scale - land can. And how does one win land wars? With actual people on the ground, armed and ready to take the land from the other guy (or stop the invader from doing so). The other things I listed above can support the infantry, and at times they may prove to be superior. In the end, artillery is useless without someone on the ground calling in the strike. Supplies are useless if no one can use them. Naval support (in the case of a marine force) and air support also need a set of eyes on the ground to ensure lethal accuracy (or to call off a strike if friendlies are getting hit). An armoured vehicle is (from a financial standpoint) a much more valuable target than one measly soldier and is more likely to get hit hard with something.

Of course, everyone will have their own counters to my lines of reasoning, and I'm sure there's some general who's going to dismiss my logic simply because "tank beats everything" - and in some cases, it does.

A List of Lists

So, those ideas I wanted to remind myself about? Here's a portion of that list - both for your viewing (mis)pleasure and as the self-reminder I told myself I'd make.

Distracted Listing

Three days in the new year and already it feels like I've run out of steam. No ideas on what to write about... nothing that grabs my interest... all the panic in the world. This admittedly doesn't sound like a good start for my blog's revival.

However, while sitting down on my lunch break, I came up with something that would not only rev my writing engine for today, but for a good amount of days to follow.

You remember those ridiculous lists I had? You know the ones - those entries where I'd list some vague category and slap down my top ten (twenty in one case) favorite whatevers and raise hype for each entrant respectively? Yeah, I want to make some more of those very opinionated lists.



HOWEVER. Awesome Games Done Quick 2016 just started today, and when I came home, both the Super Mario 64 speedrun race and the Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance runs were on, and I just HAD to watch them. The list will be up for your viewing pleasure tomorrow!

Small Shade of Fear

In your average piece of literature, black is often used to represent the banes of humanity. The darkness in man's heart, the soullessness of the macabre, the indescribable face of chaos and evil itself - no other color lends itself so freely to such ideals as readily as black does. It represents what we can't understand - which makes it the first thing we think of when our thoughts somehow lead towards that looming oblivion waiting to claim us for eternity.

Yes, I know - this entry suddenly got dark (pun intended). Trust me: I'm going somewhere with this.

The problem I see with this whole "black represents fear" thing is that black doesn't represent a color I fear. I'm a writer in the 21^st century. People like us know that oblivion waits to claim us all. We've embraced our dark sides to the point of cursing ourselves with alcoholism and depression, drawing strength from what would otherwise be considered a weakness. (The writers of years past can attest to the former "curse," while the writers of today can vouch for the latter.) We turned this ebony pool of nothingness into a generous muse that we draw information from.

Does that make us invincible - gods among men? No. That's because we fear a different color: white. You know the color - the one we stare at from time to time when we turn on our computers or typewriters. We pull up a word processor, a blank sheet of paper, a website - and all we see is the same void of emptiness that black would normally represent. We see a lack of vision, an absence of clarity, the infestation of hopelessness.

That's how I feel about it, at least. Staring at a white... blank web page with a text box and a blinking cursor. I don't know what to write sometimes - and coming out of a writing hiatus and attempting an entry while my body is crying for sleep doesn't help any. Though I have to admit, staring into an oblivion that's white as snow is strangely comforting.

A New Leaf

It's been ages since I've written anything of any import. *checks back* Nearly... geez, I'm going to guess about two-and-a-half years. I'm pretty sure most people thought I've given up on writing on this blog (or for that matter, writing in general). To be perfectly honest with you, I thought I had (subconsciously) done that myself and just wrote myself off as "mentally checked out of enjoying life."

For a while, I thought I'd just leave - walk forward, never come back, and do everything in my power to not finish another sentence.

So why come back here if I've all but officially thrown in the towel? Well, when it comes down to it, you need to receive a swift kick in the ass to get things going sometimes. (And every once in a while, that swift kick in the ass you get can't be a metaphorical one.) In a manner of speaking, this entry is me kicking my brain's ass and saying, "Hey, Josh: write something you stupid Flip!"

And you thought all of this entry was going to be serious. No, I need a non sequitur somewhere.

And that's what I'm going to do. Right after I'm done dancing the new year in with my town assistant/secretary. Excuse me.